Homeward Bound
by Donkerblauw Fluweel
Summary: "This is your dream isn t it?" I asked as two ducks with tiny human ears on the side of their heads walked past our bench. Slowly it became clear to me that Crowley didn't know I was really there - After Aziraphale heals Crowley the lines between dreams and reality start to blur and Aziraphale is forced to deal with secrets that surface and all the choices that come with it. A/C.
1. Chapter 1

**My first dabble in this fandom. I've read and reread the book maybe a dozen times and I absolutely loved the miniseries, magnificently done! **

**This story is rated M for a reason: violence, smut and the like.**

**Chapter 1.**

I looked up from my book as I heard the bell over the shop door tingle gently. After all these years of having a shop I had gotten somewhat used to customers, but I realized immediately that the man entering my shop wasn't an ordinary customer. He looked plain enough but he brought a distinct demon energy with him and his eyes seemed dull, as if he was being hypnotized. But in spite of the demon energy I could tell he was human and no actual demon. Was he possessed then? Something clearly was wrong here.

"Yes, can I help you?" I took off my glasses, dropping them on the desk, and walked towards him. Mentally bracing myself for a possible attack as I felt the demonic energy grow stronger with every step I took. The man looked at me with glossy, but innocent eyes.

"Do you have ´homeward bound´?" He asked in a monotonous voice.

"That´s a film, I think." I replied frowning.

"I´ll pay you for it." He handed me something from his coat pocket. A gorgeous black feather, over a foot long and covered in dark blood. _Crowley__s. _I knew immediately. I felt my throat grow tight at what the blood might mean. Something must have happened to my friend.

Tentatively I took the feather, feeling the demonic energy leave the man. Now it was concentrated in the black feather in my hand. The man blinked at me, confused, as if the feather had had him hypnotized and he was waking up from a dream.

"Yes, thank you." I said hastily, hiding the feather behind my back. Quickly, I snapped my fingers and the man left the shop with a vague happy feeling as if he had had a nice daydream. I watched him turn the corner before hastily leaving my shop, locking the door behind me with shaking hands.

_Homeward bound. _It was some sort of code. Bad and easy code at that. Not like Crowley at all. Normally he would formulate something elaborate and cunning. It showed that he was in real distress. I hid the black feather in the inner pocket of my coat, shuddering to think how it had gotten so much blood on it. I snapped my fingers, appearing in front of Crowley´s apartment building. Once in front of the door to his flat, I hesitated. I had really only been there once. What if it was a trap? A joke? No, I realized. Crowley never made such bad jokes. He was proud of his subtle sense of humour. Something bad must have happened.

I hesitantly pushed the door open. I gasped at the scene in the living room and I rushed in, slamming the door behind me.

Crowley lay sprawled on his back over his desk. His clothes torn and his limbs in odd angles. His wings lay haphazardly under him, feathers in disarray and dotted with blood. His glasses were gone and his eyes blinked slowly as I rushed up to him. Up close I could see that he was smeared with blood and that his arms lay broken at his sides. _Who had done this? What had happened?_

My throat constricted at the sight of my dearest friend in such a state. We had seen each other wounded and sick on numerous occasions. Always, it grabbed at my heart. And lately I had noticed it tucked at my heart in a way that was a lot different than before. It tucked at my heart with such a distress and pain that I had come to associate this feeling of distress solely with Crowley. It never hurt like this when humans were harmed. I always assumed it had to do with our deep friendship. I always stopped my thoughts at that point, no need to delve further.

Crowley´s yellow eyes looked at me unfocused as I bent over him, examining his face. I could tell that he was in a lot of pain. But where were his injuries the worst? What needed healing first?

"Crowley, Crowley dear?" I tried. He only whimpered and closed his eyes. I didn´t have time to hesitate. I knew what I had to do to know what needed healing first. But I had never done this. At least, not to him. _I'd have to invade his mind._ Well, not really. Because it would likely end badly if I were to completely emerge myself in him. I needed to be inside him just enough to know what was wrong. Invading someone´s mind was something I only did to humans, to help them experience divine ecstasy or to guide them towards the light. Being in someone's mind was a very personal and intimate act. We had never done it with each other. It was a silent, unspoken boundary we had between ourselves.

But as I looked at my wounded friend I knew I had to. I would have allowed him to do the same to me if I would have been this badly hurt. Hesitantly I lay my hand on his shoulder and I closed my eyes.

_Long, gangly limbs. Thin waist and narrow shoulders. Pain, so much pain. But where? Liver, lungs, arms. And his head, oh, his head. Through the slits of his eyelids I saw only a red haze, his vision blinded over by pain._

I withdrew hastily, not wanting to invade his person too long. The vivid feelings and images still flashed before my eyes, but I knew what to do, so I shifted my hands to his head. I closed my eyes and concentrated, letting my healing, celestial energy flow inside him. I felt him jerk beneath my fingers as I grasped his hair. He gasped loudly as I mended the bruises and haemorrhages in his human brain. He sagged against the desk after I was done with his head. But there was no time to waste. I moved my hands lower, sliding over his chest. It cost a lot of my celestial energy to mend his lungs and liver before I finally fanned out my hands over his arms, mending his broken bones.

Crowley whimpered and jerked, as if he was trying to get away from me. The final sweep of my hands moved over his stomach and legs. My fingers tingled painfully as I pulled my hands away.

Crowley gasped, choked and coughed loudly before opening his eyes. He groaned as he moved to sit up. His face was pale and I could see sweat on his brow. He looked ill.

"You´re here." His voice, always so lovely, was weak and tired.

"Of course I´m here." I said trying to sound testily, but the words came out soft and tender.

"I wasn´t sure-."

"If I would come? If I would break your code? Really now." Relief flooding over me as he grinned weakly. I wanted to question him about the origin of his wounds, to hear what had happened to him but as I saw him so weak and vulnerable I pushed my curiosity away. Instead I asked:

"How do you feel, my dear?"

"Awful." I knew he didn´t mean his injuries. He looked really unwell as if he was recovering from a heavy bout of flu.

"I still have to heal your wings, though." I moved my hands to his black wings, but he shook his head, a wary expression on his face.

"No."

"No?"

"I can´t handle your…" He waved his hand in a vague gesture. "Heavenly touch." He said it as if it gave him a bad taste in his mouth. "It makes me ill."

"Still. You need healing and I don't think you can do it yourself." He was silent for a while.

"Fine." He grumbled.

I brought my right hand to his wing, concentrating. My fingers brushed lightly over the feathers, healing them as I passed. When I came to the joint he suddenly grasped my wrist firmly.

"Wait." Crowley looked even paler and sweat was sliding down the sides of his face. "I´m going to be sick." He breathed loudly for a couple of moments. After a shaky in breath he gave me a curt nod and I continued, using both my hands to cover the rest of the wing.

"Fuck." He moaned and he pushed me roughly to the side when my fingers had brushed the last of the wing. He vomited violently over the side of the desk.

"I´m sorry." I said as he came back up, looking completely ragged.

"Don´t-, you stupid angel." But the insult came out weak.

"I still have to do the other wing."

"Fuck, no. Leave it. It´s okay like this." He snapped angrily.

"You´re being ridiculous." I snapped back. Before he could retort I grasped his left wing with both my hands, sweeping my fingers through it quickly. Crowley kicked his legs as he pressed his hands to his mouth. He whimpered and as I came to the joint he turned onto his side to vomit again, retching loudly. I felt bad, but I used his distraction to completely heal his wing.

"You bastard." He breathed out between his retching.

"Yes, yes." I removed my fingers from between his soft feathers. They were tingling and cramping even more and I knew I had used almost all of my powers in just these few minutes.

Crowley sat up shakily, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

"What are you going to tell heaven about these miracles?" He was grinning slightly, signalling he was already feeling better.

"I´ll think of something."

Crowley´s clothes were soaked with sweat and his hair lay plastered against his head. He surprised me by laying back on the desk and closing his eyes.

"What are you doing?"

"I´m exhausted, I´m taking a nap."

"What? Here? Certainly not." I grabbed him by his arms, pulling him up. "Don´t you have a bedroom here?" I knew his love for sleeping, and I would be very surprised if there wasn't a bed around here somewhere.

"Yes."

"Come on then." I pulled him up from the desk and he collapsed heavily onto me. Completely boneless and weak. He slung his arm around my shoulder and he gestured to a door in the corner.

"Over there." His hot breath in my ear as he muttered the words. In any other moment I would have revelled in feeling him this close to me, to feel his warm limbs against mine, but not now.

I managed to drag him to the door and kick it open. Inside was a big bed all in blacks and pillows. By the time I lowered him onto the bed his sweat had soaked through his clothes into mine.

The small walk seemed to have exhausted him completely. Crowley snapped his fingers, looking angrily down at his clothes.

"Come on." He muttered. "Come _on_."

"What?"

"I can´t do it." Oh, he was trying to undress.

"Of course not, you´re completely weakened. Wait."

I walked out of his bedroom and into his kitchen. I filled a bowl with water and grabbed a cloth and towel.

In his room I sat the bowl carefully onto the covers. Crowley looked at me with surprise in those yellow eyes as I sat down next to him.

"Can´t use anymore magic myself." I clarified. "And perhaps it´s best for you if you don´t come into contact with more of my, ah, heavenly touch."

I raised my hands, this time slowly, to ask permission. Crowley nodded silently.

Carefully I undressed him. There were no words between us, there was no need. It didn´t matter that I had envisioned this before, because this was nothing like it had been all those times in my mind. Not sensual, not sexual, not romantic. I slid his shirt of his arms and draped the dripping garment over a chair. I unbuttoned his too tight jeans and he lifted his legs so that I could slide it off. I hesitated only a second before I grabbed his boxers, sliding those of too. I knew he had made the effort, had felt it as I had healed him. Whoever had attacked him had attacked that part too and the heavy ache that I had felt in that part of his body as I was briefly in his skin had made me want to vomit as well.

Crowley leaned heavily back on his hands as I wet the cloth and cleaned his arms and chest. My eyes firmly on my own fingers as I swept the cloth over his slightly hairy chest and narrow shoulders. My hand moved lower, cleaning away the sweat around his belly and the trail of red hairs I found there. I leaned over him as I cleaned his neck and back. He shivered as my fingers grazed the hairs of his neck slightly. I wet the cloth again before I swept it over his feet, calves and thighs. I took a calming breath to steady myself before I moved the cloth between his legs, only cleaning lightly. But even this intimate act had nothing sexual in it, only care, worry and friendly tenderness.

"There." I murmured. I tossed the cloth away and grabbed the towel. With swift, broad strokes I dried him.

As I went to dispose of the towel and bowl he pulled the covers away.

"What are you doing?"

"Sleeping. I´m tired." Still completely naked he burrowed under the covers. He looked up at me and I saw a silent plea in his eyes. There was never a need for words between us, I knew what he wanted.

"Guess I´ll stay here for a bit. Can´t have more people come over and try to kill you. You´re mine to thwart, no one else´s."

Crowley smiled weakly up at me as his yellow eyes drifted close.

"That´s right, angel."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author****s note: Thank you for kind reviews and following and or favoriting this story! Chapter one was really an introduction chapter and there is a lot more to come. Hope you like this chapter in which things are slowly starting to unfold.**

**Chapter 2**

Every half hour I went to check on Crowley, but he lay mostly still and didn´t seem to move much. He lay mostly on his back, arms thrown out and the covers pooling around his waist, his breathing slow and steady. I can´t say he looked innocent, because he didn´t. The flaming red hair contrasted violently with the black pillows and his narrow body was all angles and edges. He truly was a demon in human form. A form he loved. A form_ I_ loved. But I pushed those thoughts away hastily. Often, my thoughts of purely platonic, angelic love took a sharp turn, hurtling towards a feeling that I really only could describe as human and not platonic in the slightest.

I tried to busy myself by looking around the apartment, but there wasn´t much to do. I wondered around a little, opening doors at random and suddenly I came upon his bathroom. Strictly speaking neither of us needed to bathe, we could just wish ourselves clean after all, but we both loved taking care of our human forms. I did that by having manicures and going to the barber regularly. Crowley did that by wearing flashy clothes and extravagant hairstyles. And we both loved baths and water.

Having nothing else to do I decided to use his bath. Why not? After all, I was bored, might as well get clean. Next to the bathtub was a whole collection of soap bottles in all shapes and sizes and colours. For some reason Crowley had always been a big fan of soaps.

"Look!" He had said as he pointed out a black bottle to me one day in a supermarket. "Chocolate and cherry! As soap! Unbelievable, what these humans come up with!"

I randomly picked one of the bottles. It turned out to be one that smelled the most like Crowley usually smelled. Without further thinking I poured the soap in the bathtub, undressed and got in.

As I lay soaking in the lovely fragrant water, I became quite relaxed and my mind went back to some of the moments I had spent with Crowley in a bath, because strangely enough, we had had quite a few encounters in or around a bath.

**Rome, 231 bc**

Long before the Arrangement, we ran into each other in one of Rome's many city baths. Bathing was a very social thing back then and people often used the public baths to talk to others about deals or business.

That day I sat in one of the hot baths in a vast, high roofed hall full of baths and small pools surrounded with benches and elegant pillars. The tiled walls were beautifully decorated with mosaics, depicting scenes from roman myths and lush green plants hung down from the ceiling. It was my favourite bath of the whole city. The plants reminded me of the garden of Eden and the mosaics and pillars were of an unrivalled craftsmanship. I always felt very comfortable there and I tried to go there at least once a week.

I was just talking to some befriended city officials, sitting comfortably in the warm water, my arm leaning on the tiles behind me when Crowley came walking into the hall. Well, walking was maybe the wrong word, he was _strutting_.

Involuntarily I noticed how all eyes were drawn towards him as he sauntered towards the bath where I sat with my companions, a towel loosely wrapped around his waist. He was all lean muscle and careless grace. Handsome? Not conventionally so, especially for that time, too narrow and bony but he was supple and fluid in his movements. Underneath all that leanness and grace, he exhumed confidence, and, there was really only one word for it: _sex_. As the eyes of my companions fell on this gorgeous specimen I felt a shift in the atmosphere. My mind picked up on the secret desires that bloomed in some of their chests and in some minds it was even worse: wildly explicit fantasies and lurid dreams were rampant in quite a few.

And even then, hundreds of years before I had even the slightest of understanding of my feelings, I felt a heavy weight that I couldn't quite properly name, settle in my stomach as I watched him walk towards us.

My companions greeted him fairly friendly, none showing what they thought or felt and they all scooted over to make room for him. Crowley grabbed his towel with one hand and I quickly averted my eyes as he whipped it off his body before sinking into the water right next to me.

"What on earth are you doing here?" I hissed, quite agitated at both the interruption in my conversation and the change in atmosphere.

"Catching up with some acquaintances, nothing wrong with that, is there?" The lie was dripping off of his every word. Some people were still shooting glances at him, while others had picked up their conversations again. It was easy to see just how much Crowley was enjoying himself, the poorly hidden mirk on his face clearly showed his enjoyment at the distraught bath house.

"Don't lie, you're obviously up to no good." I said to Crowley, he just shot me another grin.

"I'm just here to talk and socialise, angel, just like you." His voice sounded way too innocent to be truthful.

I glared at him, I think. I wasn't very good at glaring back then.

"And well, maybe.." he shifted, knees rising above the water, my eyes inexplicably drawn towards them. They were rather bony and not particularly handsome but somehow I felt that they held a sort of hidden sensuality in them.

"Warm water, naked people, it's the perfect place for sin isn't it? I'm surprised to find you here, to be honest. Even you noticed all the raunchy thoughts here and yet you stayed. Makes me wonder what you are up to."

I gasped in shock at what he insinuated. The mere idea that I would come there knowing that there was sin present!

"How dare you! That is- absolutely not!" I rose angrily from the water, his sunglasses prevented me from seeing his eyes, but I was sure he was looking between my legs. The mere thought made me heat up from inside. Quickly, I chose to overrule that thought by leaving the bath as soon as I could.

"Gentlemen." I turned to my companions. "I'll speak to you later."

With haste, I grabbed my towel, wrapping it around me as I went.

"See you later, angel." Crowley called after me, the grin obvious in his voice. I didn't look back as I hastily made my way out of the bath house.

After that, we ran into each other there quite frequently. Usually I was there to catch up with important people and enjoy the beautiful surroundings, but I could never quite figure out what Crowley did there.

"Is it really only the sinning? Why you come here?" I asked him one day as we sat side by side in a small pool. Crowley had once again disrupted the whole bath house solely by his appearance. The air of seduction and easy, comfortable sin that hung around him had set hearts racing and minds aflame with thoughts of what they wanted to do to that lean and lithe body. Some people were hopefully lingering in nearby doorways or had boldly joined us in the small pool. The steam rising from the water partly obscured him from my view and the minty, herby fragrance of the pool only added to the currently very impure thoughts going through everyone's head. Including mine. At that time, I didn't truly recognise those thoughts for what they were, simply thinking that they were being brought to life by Crowley's appearance and not thinking they were really part of me.

"I can't help it." He replied, leaning back and spreading his arms along the edge of the pool. "The humans are always so hot and bothered before even coming here, tempting them to sin is easy. An accidental slide of someone's hand under the water, part of a naked body pressed against you as you swim in a pool, an exceptionally good looking man who stands up in the bath..." an almost uneasy smile tugged at his lips.

"And I like the water. If I have to get clean, it might as well be like this."

"Hm, I suppose so. But aren't orgies a better way to incite sin?"

"There isn't really any work for me there. They come there already knowing they'll sin."

"I see. It's more of a challenge here."

Crowley fixed me with a look that I couldn't quite place.

"Exactly."

**Sweden, 1952**

In November 1952 we both received messages from head office that we were being sent to Sweden for a short mission. I, to support a church which had had it rough after the war and Crowley to tempt someone from the Nobel committee.

A quick look at the map made it clear that it would be impossible for one of us to do both of them on time. This happened sometimes and as usual it was Crowley who suggested we travelled together and would then split up at a certain town. I held my usual monologue of the danger of us being seen together before accepting his offer.

In Sweden, after having travelled together the whole way, we had decided to stay in a small town before splitting up. We stayed in a lovely wooden guesthouse near a pine forest. It was located on a hill just outside the village and the views of the valley and the surrounding hills were just spectacular. Crowley had arranged that we stayed there and I was sure he had taken special care to find someplace beautiful. I knew he knew how I liked gorgeous places like this and though he would never admit it, he often arranged things like this.

After a scrumptious dinner at the guesthouse I was doing some reading in front of the fireplace when Crowley appeared in front of me, holding two fluffy towels and wearing an all too familiar grin.

"Come with me." He held out one of the towels for me. I didn't take it but asked instead:

"Why?" What on earth could I need a towel for?

"Just humour me, angel." Crowley grabbed my book, throwing it unto a coffee table and hauled me upright by my elbow.

"Really now, I was reading that." I muttered in protest as he pushed me towards the back door. I shivered as the November cold hit me when we stepped outside.

"What are we doing here?"

Crowley pushed the towel into my hands and pushed me towards a little wooden house a little way of, steam rising from its chimney. He opened the door for me and we got inside.

A warm, wet heat hit me on the face as I stepped over the threshold. The interior of the wooden house was simple, just some wooden benches raising in three rows towards the ceiling. Steam was rising from a grate in the floor and its swirls obstructed the view, giving the room an intimate atmosphere.

"This is a sauna isn't it?" I asked Crowley, who threw his towel over a hook on the wall.

"Yes, you'll love this, angel, I swear."

He was removing his clothes, putting them away on a table.

"Come on, strip." He said. For a moment, a flash of something moved through my body as I heard that lovely voice speak those words. "Everyone is naked at these things." He added. Just then I noticed the other people on the benches, who were looking at us curiously. Crowley was already naked, wrapping the towel loosely around his waist.

Tugging at my bow tie and already sweating from the heat I decided: why not?

I undressed, putting my clothes away like I had seen Crowley do. For a moment, I concentrated, making the effort. I didn't want to appear odd in front of these people, I really only made the effort when I had to.

Crowley had sat down on the lowest bench and I moved to sit next to him, my towel around my waist.

"Now what?" I asked him. Crowley was leaning his elbows on the bench behind him, head tossed slightly back and his eyes closed, sunglasses still on.

"Now you just relax."

It took me a moment to get used to it. At first I sat rather rigidly upright, not knowing what to do. But the gentle hiss and sputter of the grate in the floor and the calming warmth started to relax my tight human muscles. My human form was sweating already, but judging by the look of the other people present this was supposed to happen. It was very quiet. If people even spoke at all it was in a quiet whisper and sometimes people would enter or leave in the same quite manner. There was a very peaceful feeling to the place. Slowly, I started to feel more calm and relaxed. I closed my eyes, letting the humid head take over my body and brain. After a while I felt Crowley shift beside me and I felt him lean in to whisper in my ear.

"Come, let's move up a bench."

"All right, if you say so." I agreed quite readily. I didn't know how this whole thing worked, so I trusted him to make the right decision.

We moved up and the heat was more intense there, sharper. Would I have needed to breathe I would've have been bothered by the smothering heat. This time I relaxed more easily. The heat slowly took hold of me and I felt sweat slide down my spine and stomach. Even my brain seemed to slow down.

It felt good to just sit there and feel. No need to think or analyse, just be. Closing my eyes, I let the heat and wet air flow over me.

After a few more minutes Crowley tapped my shoulder again.

"Let's move to the upper bench."

Up there, the heat was suffocating and I felt slick with sweat all over. My hair was plastered against my forehead and I felt beads of sweat slide uncomfortably along the inside of my knees and legs.

Crowley looked just as sweaty. His hair flat against his skin and he was tinged red across his chest.

"How come you can even stand this? You're a snake!" I whispered in a low voice. He sighed dramatically.

"I'm not literally a snake." And he left it at that and I didn't feel the need to press on. Instead, I closed my eyes, surrendering to the heat. Crowley had been right, this was wonderful.

Even with my eyes closed I was very aware of his presence next to me. We weren't touching but I could sense his energy, and it was way more relaxed than usual. Almost without noticing I felt my self-control slip and I felt my own energy, my own essence, bleed out. My love and care for all living things, and my forgiving but sometimes worried nature were flowing out of me imperceptibly. Underneath it, barely noticeable because I usually suppressed it came my characteristics that were less good: my greed, my gluttony, my violently suppressed lust. Just as my essence was flowing out, so was Crowley's I noticed. Not an all-consuming demonic energy as some might think, but rather the energy of anger, mild annoyances and small inconveniences and underneath that his own hidden characteristics: kindness, tenderness and an almost frustrated desire.

I opened my eyes a tiny bit and saw two other men on one of the lower benches fall under our influences. One of them greedily took up more space than he should, spreading out along the bench and grinning merrily at his companion. The other, after some sighing in annoyance, moved over but seemed to forgive him instantly.

"How do you feel?" Crowley's voice came quietly from beside me. Our eyes would have met, weren't it for his sunglasses.

"Relaxed." I admitted. "And hot."

"Good." He sat up. "Then come with me."

He stood up from the bench and started to climb down.

"Are we leaving already? I rather liked it here." For a moment, I felt like pouting but I decided against it. With some reluctance I followed him down the benches. I went to grab my clothes but he grabbed my wrist and tugged me towards the door.

"Not yet, come." He opened the door and he pulled me outside.

"Crowley!" I gasped as the cold hit me. "What on earth are you doing?" Instead of replying he pulled me towards a small pool right next to the cabin I hadn't noticed before. An all too familiar grin had appeared on his face, promising nothing good. No steam was rising from the pool which at first I found strange, but when it clicked in my brain what that must mean I felt a tiny bubble of panic rise up in me.

"Crowley? That water is warm, isn't it?" No answer from Crowley, he just kept grinning that terrible grin. His grip on my arm became vice like as he dragged me towards the edge of the pool. The little bubble of panic bloomed into a bubble the size of football and I started to struggle against his hold on me.

"Crowley?" I tried again. "The water is warm, isn't- Crowley tell me that the water is warm!" With his free hand he removed his towel, tossing it onto the side of the pool before grabbing mine and tossing it away as well. By now I was struggling in earnest, twisting to get away from him. Crowley grabbed me around the waist with his free hand, pressing our still hot and sweaty bodies together. I was truly terrified now, as I knew what he was going to do.

"No! No, Crowley! No! Don't you dare-!" But he took a step backward, still wearing that shit eating grin, and together we plunged into the icy cold water.

It felt like a thousand pinpricks of cold were being jammed into my limbs and as if someone slapped me in the face. Gone was my relaxed state of mind, gone my calm thoughts. Everything came into sharp focus once more.

I moved my arms in panic and I felt Crowley loosen his hold on me. With swift moves I swam upwards, breaking the surface of the water with a gasp.

Crowley surfaced right next to me and I heard him laugh hard and carefree. Shivering and still gasping from the cold I grabbed onto the side of the pool, wanting to pull myself out of the water. It was cold, so cold, I wanted to get back into the sauna as fast as I could to warm up.

"No, angel, wait." Crowley grabbed my shoulder, preventing me from rising.

"You!" I spluttered angrily. "Let me out!"

"No, angel, this is part of it. Really, you're supposed to dip into cold water after." He explained, holding down his laughter with obvious difficulty.

"Yes, that may be the case, I don't know the custom. But I don't think you were supposed to throw me in."

"Ah, well, no. That was a little bonus just for me." I frowned, still upset, bet less angry. I could never stay angry at him for long.

"Give it a moment, really. You'll see." He moved away and swam in a few lazy strokes across the pool. I turned, leaning my back against the wall and I tried to do as he said. I watched Crowley swim around in slow circles, his long legs nearly graceful in the water. Slowly, my shivering stopped and I felt my clenched shoulders droop a bit. The cold air and the magnificent starry sky had an all together different sort of calming effect on me than the sauna had had. I felt that I rather liked this sharp sort of calm.

"See?" Crowley said as he passed me, noticing the look on my face. "Not bad, huh?"

"I suppose." I admitted reluctantly.

"Once you're completely used to the cold we're going to do another round."

"Another?" I tried to sound alarmed, but I was already hooked. I loved the calming warmth of the sauna and the way it relaxed my brain and nerves. And then, the shock of the cold and the coolness of the pool gave it a nice contrast. I really wanted to experience it again.

Of course, I needn't say anything for it must have showed in my voice and face because Crowley nodded towards the ladder and said:

"Come on angel, don't have all day."

We ended up doing three more round, after which I was exhausted. Yawning, I climbed out of the pool for the last time.

"I am positively exhausted, Crowley. I'm going to rest now." I wrapped the towel around my waist. Crowley climbed out and I had every opportunity to look at his body. But I didn't, instead I averted my eyes modestly. A tiny part of me was screaming at me in anger for doing so, demanding that I take in that glorious naked body for all it was worth.

"Yes, me too. I always sleep like a baby after a session at the sauna." I gave him a look.

"Well maybe not a baby, but that's what the expression is anyway. Don't _look_ at me like that, angel." I laughed as we walked back towards the sauna to grab our clothes.

The next day we went our separate ways, agreeing we would see each other in London in a few weeks. We wished each other good luck on our assignments, even as his always made me feel a bit uneasy. Privately I made a mental note to go looking for something similar to a sauna in London. Hoping I would be able to get Crowley to come along.

**XXX**

After a while I realized I must have been lying in the water for quite sometime. I could reminisce about Crowley and water for ages. Deciding I´d probably better check on him again, I got out of the bathtub and dressed again.

That one big question: Who had hurt him? Was still unanswered and I wanted to question him about it as soon as he woke up. Just before he went to sleep his plea for me to stay had been clear in his eyes. Was he afraid they would come back?

Still worried about my dearest friend and with the image of said injured friend lying bloodied on his desk still fresh in my mind I went to Crowley´s bedroom. When I entered I immediately noticed something had changed. No longer was he sleeping quietly and relaxed, instead his hands cramped on the blankets and I could hear him moaning and muttering something under his breath. He tossed around and I could see sweat form on his chest. This surely looked like a nightmare. After all he had been through this seemed a bit unfair. I sat down on the bed and tentatively put my hand on his forehead, wiping away the sweat from his red locks. The contrast of my pale skin with his red hair caught my eye.

_I blinked._

And looked at a low ceilinged room filled with people. Not people, demons. Shouting, jeering, yelling at someone in the middle. _Crowley_. On his knees with his clothes in tatters. He was being held by other demons as a particularly vicious one was grabbing his wing and breaking it. Crowley howled in pain. A big wave of pain and despair flooded my senses and I realized they must be Crowley´s, not my own because there was an unfamiliar feel to them. It felt the same as when I could sense emotions belonging to humans: familiar but definitely not my own.

I rushed forward and I glided steadily through the forms of the other demons, as if I weren´t there at all. I was only essence, not my human form.

"Did you think we would forget?" I heard Beelzebub jeer from the side. "Hell never forgets, Crowley." Beelzebub was even more grotesque in this dream. Because that was what this was, a dream. How else could I know so clearly what Crowley was feeling?

I could feel the pain in his body and wing. I felt his anger at being betrayed like this. And of course I could sense his utter stubbornness underneath it all, a feeling so uniquely Crowley´s. _They would not win. They would not break him. _

At this surge of emotion from him I felt my heart ache for him like it never had before. I wanted to comfort him, tell him that this wasn´t real, that he needn´t feel all this. I reached out to him, stretching my presence towards him and I grabbed his arms. With all my power I tried to radiate calmness to him, a feeling of comfort. If I could feel his emotions, maybe he could feel mine? And maybe he did, because the moment I touched him I felt his presence grab onto mine. Immediately, the room lit up and seemed to dissolve around us.

I looked around and there was only white and soft yellow. Never really any forms, only vague, cloudlike surrounding. With a shock I realized I was in human form with my wings out, floating in this wonderful whiteness. Here, there was no noise, no heat. There was only a cool breeze and this feeling of flying. My hands were clasped around another human form and I realized I was pressing Crowley to my chest. His head on my chest and our legs entwined. As I moved my wing I felt his brush along mine. Both of us were wearing something akin to coarse woollen robes.

What was this place? It was so calm and quiet. It seemed as if in this place there could only _be_ calm and quiet. Because even my curiosity about the place seemed to slip away from my mind. Crowley clung to me and I radiated all that I did before: calmness, forgiveness, kindness. He pressed closer to me, seeming to drink all those feelings in. I pushed my nose into his hair and I didn´t feel his short straight hair, but long tresses of curls. Vaguely I was aware of how holding him like this would make me feel if I were awake, but even for thoughts like this there was no place here and I felt the thought slip away as if it were never there.

There was no feeling of time, so I didn´t know how long we stayed like this. I didn´t talk and neither did he. His body relaxed and I felt him slip away from between my fingers.

_I blinked._

A calmly sleeping Crowley lay before me on the bed, my hand still on his brow. Now, he was breathing slowly and he felt a lot cooler. I withdrew my hand, wondering what just had happened.

****I´m aware that the bit in the sauna with the cold bath probably isn´t very acurate, but it´s the way I´ve always done it and besides, I wanted Crowley to have an opportunity to throw Aziraphale into the water.  
******I really wanted to include bits from Crowley´s and Aziraphale´****s past in this story. I loved those scenes in the TV show and I always like reading them in other people****s stories. I had a blast writing it. I´****d love to hear your thoughts on those bits and the rest of the chapter too of course!  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you all for your continued support! This chapter is a bit darker, but nothing too serious. Please note, I'm not British so I may not know all the ins and outs about what happened in Brixton. I did my research online and this chapter is based off of that. If I portray the facts incorrectly or if I offend anyone, please let me know. I tried to be respectful and not too detailed.**

**Don't worry, there's also more dreaming and more denial in this chapter to give it a nice balance (I hope).**

**Chapter 3**

I hadn´t counted on Crowley sleeping for so long. After 24 hours I was slightly beginning to worry, but I knew he had slept for long periods at a time so a day really wasn't that exceptional, I told myself. Sometimes I would just sit next to the bed and watch him sleep, telling myself I was just keeping an eye on him. Who knew if his attackers would come back? He would take care of me in much the same manner, I knew. Sitting next to his bed and watching him sleep, an act so uncharacteristically vulnerable, I remembered some of the times we had taken care of each other.

In the past millennia we had looked after one another more than once. Sometimes saving each other's life, or preventing embarrassment for the other. Often it was in more subtle ways as we were both aware of the chance that we were being watched. Like the time in 1981 when Crowley had come to check on me and had tried to comfort me in his own peculiar way. Unvoluntarily I felt my mind go back to that particular moment in time, when Britain was just recovering from a financial crisis and the societal tensions were running high everywhere.

**London, April 1981**

Every step that took me closer to my own front door was a step that on the one hand asked more of my already drained energy and on the other hand that gave me new hope and a longing for the salvation that I knew I would find in the comfort of my own home.

The day had been taxing and I felt how my ethereal energy was nearly completely drained. All day I had been talking to people, listening to their worries, their fears and trying to sooth them.

Brixton was once a lovely neighbourhood of London, but it was now one filled with anger and fear. The economic crisis had hit certain parts of Britain particularly hard and in some neighbourhoods it had fueled existing tensions even more. Violence and anger was in the air and I noticed its suffocating atmosphere in the alleys and streets as I had walked through Brixton.

I used my calm voice and my peaceful energy to talk to people, trying to get them to see reason. Here and there I performed small miracles, having people find some money or have prospect of a job. But I felt it wasn't enough. There was too much hate there. I could sense the rising tension on all sides and I tried so hard, oh I tried so hard, to comfort people and persuade them not to descent into violence. I listened to angry parents without jobs who blamed the foreigners for taking all the jobs. I spoke to scared foreigners, fearing for retaliation. All the whole trying to bring the sides together. To help them see reason. My heart went out to all these humans. Everyone suffered in their own way.

After having been on the road the whole day I finally decided I was oils go home. The bus ride home passed in a tired and troubled daze. Hoping against hope that what I had done that day, these past days, that it was enough. Immensely tired I stepped out of the buss, seeing my bookshop from across the street and feel it call to me with all its comforts.

Finally I was able to push open the familiar wooden door, letting it close carelessly behind as I dragged my feet towards my comfortable chair in the back of the shop.

"That took you long enough." It always amazed me how he could lounge on any surface. Sprawled out like he was liquid over my chair.

"Crowley." I muttered vaguely. I grabbed a bottle of brandy and without thinking I pored two glasses, pushing one over the coffee table towards Crowley. With the other in my hand I sank down on to the sofa. I wasn't in the mood to talk or argue with Crowley. With a trembling hand I rubbed my forehead and with the other I brought the glass up to my mouth, taking a hasty gulp. Heavens, I was tired. Perhaps net physically but mentally. I felt completely drained.

Crowley hadn't moved. I could feel him staring at me and I knew he was closely assessing me.

"It won't work, Aziraphale." The use of my first name made me look up. He hardly used my first name, let alone in this quiet and worried tone.

"What do you mean?" I took another big gulp. I wanted to feel the burn of alcohol, the dizziness of being inebriated.

"I know what you're trying to do in Brixton. It won't work."

My desire to become drunk was immediately replaced by an almost irrational anger. It was an emotion that never took hold me of me so suddenly yet now it came over me like a sudden tidal wave. I didn't realise I had stood up but all of a sudden I was towering over Crowley. Drink in my hand and shouting at him.

"You don't even know what you're talking about! I'm not in the mood for this, Crowley! So just leave me alone!"

Crowley looked up at me calmly, those infernal sunglasses still in place.

"I do know what you're talking about." The words sounded strange as if he was forcing them out.

"What- What on earth-." Anger was already being replaced by confusion. Then the truth came crashing into my brain.

"It's you." I choked out.

"Yes." Powerless, I fell down onto the sofa again, my drink sloshing all over me.

"I did too good a job, angel. You won't be able to undo my work." For all these days, all these weeks that I had been trying to mitigate the tensions in that neighbourhood I

had been working against Crowley. It was his demonic doing that had plunged Brixton into this nightmare of economic, social and racial tension. I downed my drink, slamming it down on the coffee table.

"Crowley, do you even know what you did there? They will resort to violence, possibly even murder."

"Yes, I know. It was assigned to me. I was told to use the economic crisis for something grand."

"By why like this?"

"It's my job. Besides I am a demon, in case you've forgotten."

I closed my eyes. Now I could only feel sorrow and pain. Those poor humans, after years of unemployment, this was what they got?

I heard the armchair squeak quietly and suddenly I felt the sofa next to me dip down. I opened my eyes and looked at Crowley, now sitting next to me. His stance radiated something akin to worry.

"What you've been doing has been... admirable, angel." He whispered. "But I don't think you can undo my work." Oh, how I hated moments like this, where we worked against each other.

"It is rather terrible what I found there. You did a good job." I admitted bitterly. "I just hoped that I could avoid another- another Bloody Sunday." I managed, closing my eyes again. It had been my biggest failure. As soon as I knew what was happening there I went over to Ireland. I tried with all my might to soothe the angry or scared hearts, only finding out that it was too late. Never had I talked to Crowley about what had had happened there. How I had tried to avoid disaster there and how I had failed.

"I know, I know how that pained you." A tentative hand grasped my shoulder. We so rarely touched that I my first impulse should have been to lean away, or flinch. He was a demon after all. But I felt so much turmoil at that time that I accepted his touch. Leaning into that warmth, infernal or not, that always seemed to come from him.

His free hand pushed something into my lap.

"Here, I thought you might want some of this." I opened my eyes to see a small red box in my lap, bearing the logo of a nearby sweet shop. I opened it and saw a selection of chocolates, all my favourites. Not miracled into being, but real chocolates. I only ever treated myself to these on a very rare basis.

"Why? Because of Brixton? You were just doing your job, as you said." Then it hit me: how did Crowley know about Bloody Sunday? I had never told him that.

"Bloody Sunday." I whispered, horror struck. "Was that you, too?" My eyes found his, even through his sunglasses.

"No, of course it wasn't me. I'm not up for mindless killing. It was Hastur. He loves being destructive like that."

"But how did you know then? I never talked to you about Ireland." My hands caressing the box of chocolates.

"Hastur bragged about it. How you tried to stop him, but failed."

I sighed. That did sound like something other demons would do.

"I tried so hard. There was so much suffering there."

I knew Crowley wasn't lying about Ireland, the truth was clear in his voice. It hadn't been him that caused those deaths. A tiny spark of comfort lighted up inside me.

"I know. Hastur was really pleased with his work, got a recommendation for it too. And you know it's not my style."

"And yet, now you are encouraging the humans to mindless killing in Brixton." It didn't feel right how he denied being involved in Bloody Sunday and how he was instigating hatred and violence now.

"No, not really. There wasn't much to encourage. The humans were already so angry. All they needed was a little nudge. Like I said: I'm not up for mindless killing. I can't deny a direct order to cause chaos though."

"Well, either way, it might come to mindless killing now." My hand reached for a chocolate, still hesitating.

"Take it, angel." Crowley grabbed my hand, forcing it onto a chocolate. To humor him, I took one. They were truly delicious chocolates. As it melted on my tongue giving away its rich, velvety flavour, I couldn't help but moan quietly. From beside me I saw Crowley looking at me with a weird look in his eyes.

"You want one?" I offered, figuring he was hungry.

"No I'm good." Just then I noticed the way his other hand, still on my shoulder, tightened slightly.

"Just get some rest, angel." He got up to leave.

"Wait!" I called after him as he turned towards the door. "How did you know I'd been to Brixton?"

He sighed, running his hand through his hair.

"You're energy was all over the neighbourhood. And after Ireland, I figured you might try it again."

I nodded vaguely.

"That predictable, am I?"

"No, that reliable." He turned and left.

** XXX**

Just as I had thought, reports came in from Brixton and other parts of the country, telling about riots and run inns with the police. Breathless I watched the news every night. But although there was a lot of violence, a lot of terror, no deaths were reported. Slowly, peace returned to the plagued neighbourhoods and I let out a breath in relief.

"Looks like your power is a match for mine after all." Crowley said as we sat on our usual bench in the park. "I'm impressed, angel. No deaths so far."

"Of course, heaven always triumphs over hell." I replied tartly but feeling only happiness inside. Even if I hadn't prevented the riots, I had prevented a disaster like in Ireland. Crowley's slight praise warmed my heart.

"How is your head office taking the news?" I asked nervously. "That there are no deaths?"

"Are you kidding? They love how I sowed discord everywhere. Even after the economic crisis people are still angry about it. That's an accomplishment."

A sigh escaped me. Finally, after weeks I felt I could relax again.

"Good, then let me buy you lunch." I offered.

"You and your food." He laughed.

"What? It's one of the most wonderful human experiences there are."

"Oh, I can think of a few better ones." Crowley replied with a grin.

**XXX**

Crowley and his human experiences. We often talked about our favorite ones. Food, drinks, baths. But never dreaming, I didn't even know he dreamed. I sincerely hoped he didn't just have nightmares. Would he dream of other things as well? I wondered as I looked down on his sleeping form. Now, he was lying on his front, arms tucked under a pillow and the covers dangerously low on his body. Firmly, I reigned my mind in. No need for thoughts like that.

Would he dream now? It would be a peaceful one probably, like that wonderful white dream we had had together. My hands got the better of me and one of them pressed softly onto his shoulder before I had time to reconsider.

_I blinked._

And looked around me at very familiar surroundings. The rolling grass, benches and the pond left no doubt in my mind where I was: St. James´ park. How odd, why would Crowley dream of the park? I sat on our usual bench but I was alone at the moment. There was no whiteness here, instead there was a splendid night sky filled with beautiful, vibrant stars. I gasped in happy rapture at the gorgeous vast expanse above me. Reds, greens, blues. All more vivid and colourful than on earth.

"Nice, isn´t it?" I heard a smirk beside me. I looked to the side and there was Crowley. Sprawled out as usual, wearing his black outfit but without glasses this time. He grinned at me. That grin that I knew so well.

"Yes, it´s absolutely gorgeous." I replied, smiling at him. I shifted on the bench. I, too, wore my usual outfit.

"This is your dream isn´t it?" I asked as two ducks with tiny human ears on the side of their heads walked past our bench.

"Yep." He plopped the ´p´ as he was wont to do.

"Why do you dream about the park?" I asked.

"It´s my dream." He frowned at me. "I can dream whatever I want, angel."

"True, I guess. The park just seems a bit weird. I mean, why not some place else?"

"Meh." He shrugged. "Yeah. The park, the bookshop, stuff like that. As long as you´re here too, I don´t care."

"Am I often in your dreams?" It was meant as a tease, but I couldn´t help smiling slightly at him as my heart hammered in my chest with an unusual feeling of anticipation. Greater was my surprise when Crowley smiled back at me. Not a grin, a smile. He radiated warmth and tenderness.

"I have you in my dreams as often as I can, angel." When had he shifted closer? Suddenly I saw him from up close and I was drowning in those startling yellow eyes. We were never this close, we always, _always_ kept our distance. A hand wrapped around my neck and Crowley pulled me towards him and without a warning his warm lips landed on mine. The surge of emotions that went over me was powerful. Surprise, love, tenderness: It all burst into life inside of me in the fraction of a second. Never having kissed before I was completely unprepared for not only the intensity of the emotions, but also for the physical response of my body. A hot feeling of arousal bloomed in my lower belly as Crowleys lips pressed urgently against mine. A desperate need for more kissing, more touching took hold of me.

How often had I imagined this? How often had I pictured what it would be like to kiss him? Countless times. And now, to finally feel it, left me utter breathless. But the realization why we could never do this and why I had therefore never acted on it kicked in hard. I reacted in a reflex, pushing him away hastily.

"Crowley, what-." I stuttered. Shock and arousal mixed in my stomach as his lips left their warm imprint on mine. But even as I saw one of my most secret desires finally, finally realized I couldn´t forget the danger of the act. Never had I expected him to dare to kiss me, knowing the risk it would bring. Never had I ever expected him to even _want_ to kiss me.

But another hand wrapped around my waist and this time his lips were insistent and I melted against him. His kiss was powerful, passionate and I felt myself forget all else. It was all I had ever envisioned and more. Willingly I allowed his tongue into my mouth and I moaned as he plundered my mouth. His hands shifted, grabbing desperately at my clothes.

"No." I managed as some form of propriety kicked in and I pushed him away. "We shouldn´t, Crowley. You know that, you know-."

Crowley groaned in exasperation, falling back against the bench.

"Oh, not one of those again!" He groaned.

"One of what?" I asked perplexed.

"One of those dreams where I have to convince you." I felt thunderstruck: He didn´t know I was real. He thought I was part of his dream.

"Every once in a while you are this whiny bitch who keeps moaning about Heaven and Hell and what they would do." Crowley said bitterly.

"Well." I said unsure. "They _would_ surely punish us or-."

"Yes, yes they would, maybe." He interrupted angrily. "If we were to do this in the real world. Not here. This isn´t real, you´re not real. This is a dream. Here I can do what I want."

With that he grabbed me again, bruising my mouth with his kiss. I surrendered to his mouth and touch. But as he started to unbutton my coat I grabbed his hands again. He moaned angrily against my mouth.

"Do you have to convince me in a lot of dreams?" I asked, drawing back from him. Crowley scoffed.

"No. Only ever about Heaven and Hell a bit. But never about this, once you feel how good it feels you never protest anymore. In fact-." He shifted closer, pressing our bodies together. He moved his mouth to my ear, pressing his lips against the sensitive flesh as he whispered. "I always have you begging for me by the time I have you undressed."

A violent, pleasant shiver went through me. The stars around us were lighting up, becoming brighter and brighter.

"What´s happening?" I asked.

"I´m waking up." Crowley groaned. "Damn it! I´m not done here yet!" He shouted and he moved towards me again.

"Maybe it´s a sign, dearest." I swallowed, my skin still burning with his touch.

"The hell it is."

"I think it´s best if you _wake up, Crowley._" The last three words echoing loudly and I realized I was once again sitting on the bed shaking Crowley´s shoulder softly. Crowley moaned angrily, burying his head in the pillow.

"What do you _want_, Aziraphale?" came his muffled voice.

I swallowed nervously. He didn´t know I had been there with him in his dream. I repeated to myself. But I couldn´t shake the feeling of those dream kisses from me. Couldn´t shake the feeling of his hands tugging urgently at my clothes. I hardly trusted my voice but I managed anyway:

"It´s been a day, dear. How- how are you feeling now? Maybe you should eat something." I finished lamely.

He groaned and rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling.

"You want to go to the Ritz, angel, is that it?" I hadn´t left the apartment in a day so yes, I was dying to go outside.

"I think it would do you some good, dear."

"Fine." He grumbled and he kicked the blankets away. I averted my eyes quickly as he padded naked from the room.

"But I´m having a shower first." He called from the hallway as he left me sitting on the bed, my palms sweaty and my mind still reeling.

We hardly spoke on the way over and origin of his attack and the secret of that odd dream of us lay heavy between us. Did he know I had really been there? Somehow, I knew that he didn't. For him it had been a dream. And for me? What had it been for me? I honestly couldn't tell.

At our usual table I ordered a bottle of good wine and a platter of mixed hors d'oeuvres. Crowley ordered nothing, opting as usual to eat from the stuff I ordered and just drink wine.

After our second glass of wine I finally ventured to ask him what I was dying to know.

"Who attacked you, dear?" Crowley said nothing for a while, toying with his wineglass while he lounged back in his seat.

"Don´t play dumb, I´m sure you can figure it out." He muttered annoyed.

"I guess I do, but why?" I pressed on. Crowley looked steadily at his wineglass, seeming to weigh his answer.

"They are still mad about the apocalypse not happening." It was a lie. I knew that strictly speaking it was true that they were still angry, but I also sensed that that wasn´t the reason they punished him. For this moment I decided to let it slide.

"They treated you very badly."

"They´re demons, angel, it´s what they do." He flared up angrily. "I´m just glad that I managed to get away before they-." He broke off, taking a sip of his wine. "Never mind. Glad you found me, though I guess I shouldn´t say ´thank you´."

"Better not." My reply was automatic, but there was no real malice behind it. "Good idea with the feather and the movie title."

"Yeah, not my smoothest move. But I couldn´t think of anything better. Could hardly think. I had barely enough power to hypnotize that man. No power left to heal myself."

"Well, that´s what the Arrangement is also for." I shifted in my chair.

"I guess." Crowley filled our wineglasses again.

"Will they-, will they leave you alone now?"

"Don´t worry about that angel, they will."

There was something very dark and demonic in his voice.

Something I wasn´t sure I liked.

**If you have the time, please leave a review. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I hope you are still enjoying this story! And thank you all for your kind words, you have no idea how much a review (big or small) can mean to a writer.  
**

**I have to say this one of my favorite chapters of this story and I hope you enjoy it too! **

**PS. this story is rated M for a reason.**

With some trepidation I had allowed Crowley to drop me of at the bookshop. He had assured me he was fine and I made him promise to come by soon. He had rolled his eyes and had agreed, pretending he was only doing it for me.

In the backroom of my bookshop I couldn´t help replaying and replaying Crowley´s dream of the two of us in the park. I wasn´t surprised that Crowley felt lust. He was a demon after all. I _was_ surprised that he seemed to feel it for _me_. Even more, there was an almost uncharacteristic tenderness in that dream. I knew he loved me. In some weird, non-human sort of way. As I loved him. It was unspoken. Why should we? We had the Arrangement. That my non-human, platonic love had since long morphed into something much more common, much more _human_ was a secret I had kept hidden deep down in my very being.

It hadn´t come as a surprise that I should feel something so human, though. Being on earth for thousands of years had made me human in a lot of other ways too. Crowley made fun of how for me that always manifested itself in food. Whenever I had been to heaven for a long time I would usually go out for a long dinner as soon as I could. But he was one to talk though, he would do the same whenever he had been in Hell for a long time.

**London, 1831**

"I'll be going away for a bit, angel. Longer than usual probably."

Around us the crowd cheered as one of the actors tripped over his robe, wether or not it was part of the play was unclear but I gave a half hearted cheer nonetheless, trying to blend in with the crowd. A few days ago Crowley had invited me to this play, claiming it was funny in an awkward way and that we would be able to talk freely there. We werte near the back of the theatre and I was a little annoyed that it were standing places, not proper seats. The theatre was packed and I was constantly being bumped into. Naturally I was wearing my usual outfit for the theatre, a proper three piece suit, bow tie and top hat. It made me look a little out of place since the rest of the audience was wearing rather scruffy clothes or were sloshing beer over their outfits the whole time. Crowley, as always, completely blended in, his outfit attuned to whatever time period or situation we were in.

But I had to admit, it was a clever idea to meet there, The mob of people who clapped or talked constantly masked our conversation easily. Occasional booing or shouting from the people around us interrupted the play and after 10 minutes I had given up on trying to figure out what the play was about, instead I opted for just talking to Crowley.

"Away? Where?" I asked clapping along with the crowd as one of the main actors appeared on stage.

Crowley nodded towards the floor.

"Down below. And like I said, it might be a while." He licked his lips, a gesture I had come to recognise as one of nervousness.

If Crowley was nervous by the idea of going downstairs for a longer time, then I should be too, I knew. It was nearing the end of the play and I knew that right now Crowley had finally brought up the subject he wanted to talk about. The rest of the play we had been talking about the usual stuff until he threw in this statement all of a sudden.

"Why?" It was hard to hide my panic at the thought of Crowley going away. He had never been recalled during our time on earth. If he had to go downstairs it was usually to give a report or to receive new orders and it was always for a short time. How long would my friend be gone? Would he even return?

"They want to give another demon a try for a bit, just a test. Apparently they have a job for me down there, too." He was feigning interest at the play but I could sense his tenseness. I noticed the involuntarily clenching of his fists and the rigidness of his body.

"Will you come back?" I whispered, voicing my main concern. _Our_ main concern. I was well aware how much Crowley loved it on earth. For a moment he dragged his eyes away from the play and even with those sunglasses on I knew he was looking at me intently.

"I hope so, angel. I really do."

Caught up in that feeling of worry that swept over both of us I reached for his hand, squeezing it gently. For a moment I needed to feel him, to be sure that he was still really here. I let go quickly when I felt him squeeze back.

"Me too." I whispered.

Silence fell between us and blindly I searched for the right words in my mind.

"In these past years." I began unsure, knowing I had to play this well if I wanted to succeed.

"In these passed years I've gotten rather used to our, ah, Arrangement. I fear having to work with another demon would not be beneficial to me, nor to the interests of heaven. Would there be anyway that I could make sure you'd return?"

Crowley was silent and I knew he was checking if we were being listened in on. Around us the crowd started to boo and yell when the villain of the play appeared, making his way on stage for a showdown with the protagonist of the play. I was being pushed from all sides by the wild crowd and I felt Crowley's warm hand on my lower back to keep me in place. As always when we touched I could feel the warmth of his body through our clothes. He was always so wonderfully warm and I caught myself revelling in it whenever he touched me. I slightly leaned into him, to hear what he was going to say. Up close I could see his eyes from behind his sunglasses and they showed a look of worry, but also pride? He brought his mouth to my ear, his sideburns tickling me and I felt his breath ghosting over the sensitive skin there.

I knew that whatever he asked me to do in that moment, I would do it without hesitation.

"_Thwart_ him, angel." His nickname for me seared through me, as if he was putting extra force behind it. Unwillingly I felt a hotness creep over the spot on my neck where I had felt his hot breath on my skin. "Thwart him like you've never thwarted me."

Around us, the crowd cheered.

**XXX**

After that, all was quiet for a moment. Until one afternoon, a few weeks later when Crowley didn't show up for our regular meeting in the park. I tried to sense his demonic energy but all I could sense was a different demonic energy, one that was a malicious and patient one, not a wild and carefree one and I knew it meant that Crowley had been recalled and that his replacement was here. Wondering who his replacement could be I decided to seek out the energy.

I found the source of the demonic energy in one of the upperclass areas of the city. It turned out to be Ligur, a demon Crowley had talked about a few times and had described to me. Remembering my promise to Crowley, I set to work immediately. As I watched Ligur work, tempting business men or enticing women I soon found out the major differences between Ligur and Crowley.

And the areas where I would be able to thwart him.

Whereas Crowley focused on small annoyances and inconveniences, Ligur worked with even slower plans. He was truly one of the slow burn and schemes that took years to mature. This gave me the upper hand as years of dealing with Crowley had made well aware of how to spot these plans. And with Ligur it was the same: I could see his plans from miles off.

Without the Arrangement to keep me in check I went into full on smiting mode. Every plan he developed I would thwart. There wasn't a wile he could execute or I was there to stop him.

It earned me three recommendations in the short period of just three months. A personal best.

One of his bigger plans, corrupting a politician, I had allowed him to develop for a bit, until I thwarted it spectacularly. Right at the moment said politician was supposed to sign a particularly awful deal with the unions, I made sure he had a change of heart. The man adored children, one of his very few good points, and I made sure that on his way to sign the agreement he met a small girl, a child of one of the union workers. After she had tripped in front of him on the street he started talking to her. It warmed his heart so much that he not only not signed the deal but even started to promote the work of the union.

After that I took a little break, allowing both Ligur and myself a little breather of a week. I decided to go to the park and sit in my regular bench. It hit me that I would sit there alone and not with Crowley. He had been gone for 10 months now. We would sometimes not see each other for even longer times, years or even decades, but I always knew he was there. It had taken me years to learn how to tune into his energy, to sense him even when we were apart, but it always gave me comfort to know he was somewhere in the city, causing chaos or annoying people. It was very weird to not be able to sense him for these passed months and I didn't like it one bit. I had stopped trying to sense him out, the failure of it every time was just too much.

I arrived at the spot of grass of our bench and I saw a familiar figure sitting in it. My heart started to thump erratically. Could it be?

The man on the bench turned towards me and grinned openly.

"I knew it, I just knew it angel." I felt a smile creep over my face at that familiar voice, sweet like music.

"Crowley." I didn't even try to hide my pleasure at seeing him again. I knew my voice was soft and tender and I was aware that by now I must be smiling like crazy. He spread out his arms.

"The one and only." I dropped down next to him. I noticed my hands were shaking nervously and I couldn't help but stare at him, still not really believing it was him. But it was him: red hair aflame in the sunlight, sunglasses in place and as always, dressed according the latest fashion. The most familiar and most precious face on earth was grinning back at me. A sensation of being whole, complete once more after months of missing some vital part of me washed over me.

"You were amazing, angel." For a short moment he grabbed both my trembling hands, squeezing them. Warmth, comfort surged through me at our touch.

"You're a right bastard. Every time Ligur came downstairs to give reports he was being laughed at, humiliated. None of his schemes seemed to work. No other demon has ever been thwarted this much."

"Laughing is a bit cruel don't you think? I only thwarted him. It's part of the game." I said breathlessly.

"Oh you're too good for this world, angel." Crowley laughed, the most beautiful sound in the world.

"Come." He stood up and held out his hand. Still trembling slightly, I took it, allowing Crowley to pull me to my feet. He grinned down at me and I smiled back. Both our human corporations radiated happiness.

"I've been down there for months. No food, no drinks. Do you have any idea how hard that is?" My hand still in his, neither of us made any move to let go.

"I can imagine." I answered. _Ten months without you, not knowing if you would return, do you have any idea how hard that is?_ I thought. For a brief moment I allowed myself to run my thumb over the back of his hand, before letting go. Crowley straightened up, a determined expression on his face.

"I want it all: the food, the booze. I want to feel human again. Let's go."

**XXX**

He took me out the what was probably the most extravagant and luxurious dinner we had ever had. The courses just kept coming, along with wine, side dishes and what not.

"What did you have to do in hell?" I asked as I tucked into a scrumptious bit of salmon.

"Oh you know." He waved his fork vaguely in the air.

"Paperwork, filling in files, some torture."

"Torture?!" With a loud clatter I dropped my knife. I knew of course that he was a demon, but I couldn't really picture Crowley hurting people.

"Oh I know what you're thinking, but it's nothing to do with the pitchforks and stuff. There's more to torture than physical pain."

I was silent, not sure if I wanted to know more, so I just downed my glass of wine.

"Like annoyances, grievances and regrets." Crowley added, eying me with a strange, fixed stare.

"Ah yes, annoyances. You're good at those."

"It's what I do best."

I wanted to reply but dessert was just being service and I felt delighted and distracted by the wonderful raspberry sauce.

After dinner he took me to a concert hall where a full orchestra played Beethoven's ninth symphony. I loved every part, very note of that symphony. It always made me so emotional, the euphoric and nearly angelic message never failed to touch my heart. It was my absolute favourite, as Crowley knew full well. Why he wanted to listen to a piece of music with such a clear message of heavenly peace was a mystery to me but I didn't question it, instead I sat back and let to music and the reassurance of Crowley's presence wash over me.

Midway I couldn't hide the fact that I was crying. For once, Crowley didn't make fun of me, instead I felt a shy hand search for mine over the armrest, grabbing my own and squeezing gently. He tried to pull away quickly but I tightened my grip. So happy to have him here again, I wanted to feel him, make sure he didn't disappear. As the lights came on I looked at him with tears in my eyes and he looked steadily back. Still looking at me he brought up my hand and pressed a kiss to the knuckles. Smiling shakily I pulled away from him to grab my handkerchief.

Dabbing my eyes with it I asked:

"Where to now, my dear boy? I have a feeling we aren't done yet."

"Ngk, you know me too well." He responded. "Upstairs there is a little get together with some of the orchestra players and some well to do people from the audience. I thought we could have a look."

"Very well."

It turned out that the little get together upstairs wasn't a small gathering of people but rather a full blown party. The large ballroom was filled with people already steadily on their way to drunkenness. Loud talking and raucous laughter filled the air and everywhere the clink of glasses could be heard. A series of magnificent chandeliers shed a warm orange glow on the tables lining the walls and the people waltzing in the middle of the room.

"Oh Crowley, it's gorgeous!" I exclaimed. He just grinned back at me, grabbing my elbow and steering me towards a table us.

With quick hands he pushed a glass of champagne into my hand.

"To the humans." He said, clinking our glasses together. "May they continue to make music and invent new food and drink for a long time." I clinked back, secretly thinking: here's to you, may you never be gone from my side ever again.

We talked for hours, filling ourselves with champagne and dainty little snacks that kept appearing on our table. Sometimes we were joined by some of the people present. Most of them were drunk or on their way there. They would laugh and clap Crowley on the back. Sometimes Crowley would join them on the dance floor, leaving me at our little table. I was half-heartedly talking to other people while I kept watching him from the corner of my eye. He danced completely out of tune but neither I, nor his dance partners apparently, minded at all. How could we? He looked so happy, carefree and even if his dancing was awful it was clear he loved it.

I couldn't help but feel such a strong sensation of relief as I watched him dance. Currently he was twirling a giggling blonde woman over the dance floor, stepping on her toes or dancing out of tune constantly.

I had missed him far more than I was willing to admit. Finally he was back here. I had missed his demonic energy, his wild and impossible plans. I had even missed his human form, the red hair, the lanky frame, all of it. Of all the human forms I had seen, I had never seen one quite like him. The easy, confident grace he showed in all his moves were truly unique. He was well aware of the sensuality he had in his body and he exploited it often.

The song was over and I was glad when I saw Crowley say goodbye to the blonde woman, hoping he would come and join me again. Instead a curly haired man came up to talk to him. I watched them talk for the next two songs, feeling quite forgotten by Crowley. With a strange feeling in my stomach I watched as the curly haired man touched Crowley's waist, a smile on his face. Crowley, however didn't seemed to mind, leaning into his touch.

A man bumped into me, bringing my attention back to the present. He struck up a conversation with me about the symphony and I joined in reluctantly. I managed to get rid of him after a while, but when I turned back to the dancefloor I noticed Crowley had gone.  
Had he just left? Or had Hell called him back suddenly? I panicked for a moment. But then I relaxed, I could still sense his energy in the building. I left the ballroom, following that sense of his energy up a flight of stairs.

There were a couple of rooms on this floor. All of the doors were closed but I knew instinctively where to find Crowley.

Using my powers I pushed the door open just slightly, making sure not to make a noise. Maybe Crowley wanted a nap? That was a human experience too after all. I wouldn't want to wake him.

A desk light was on in the room, shedding its orange glow on the two men sprawled on the floor. The sexual desire was palpable and even I, a being of propriety could feel the tension and lust in the air. It was clearly coming from the two men in the room, who were kissing desperately. One was the curly haired man I had seen Crowley talking to. His fancy clothes were gone and he was now completely naked and with his hair in slight disarray, as if someone had been running their hands through it. His hands moved over the other man lying underneath him.

This man was still wearing his shirt, but it was unbuttoned and halfway off of him. His trousers were gone however and he had his legs bent and spread, where I could see the hand of the other man move. Waves of a desperate, needy, sexual desire came off him. The beginnings of a blush started to form on my cheeks. I didn't have problems with sex, seeing it as a necessary part of creation, but I always kept my distance from it. Seeing it up close like this gave me a feeling that I didn't really like.

I was about to turn and leave when the man threw back his head and moaned wantonly, red hair spilling over the rug under him.

_Crowley._

My throat ran dry as I realised exactly what I was seeing. This weren't just any two men, this was Crowley, who was being pleasured by this man. But as Crowley shifted his legs, to move them further upwards I realised he wasn't pleasured in the way I expected, for I could see his erection, flush against his lower belly. My blush deepened as my eyes moved over that most intimate part of him that I had never seen in such a state before. I had seen Crowley nude, but never in a sexual manner. He looked glorious, absolutely stunning. Sweat was glistening on his stomach and he spread his body so willingly, in such a lewd manner that it made my heart race.

Breathy moans escaped his lips as he pushed his hips into the movement of the curly haired man, who, I realized with a jolt was pushing his fingers into Crowley's ass.

And Crowley _loved_ it. That desire I had felt earlier came off of him. More heat pooled into my stomach as I watched how my dearest friend had fingers being pushed into him, loving every moment of it. And I couldn't look away.

Crowley made a low, keening sound at the back of his throat. He grabbed the man by the shoulders, forcing him onto him, between his spread legs.

"Take me. " He growled out in a needy voice. _"Now."_

Hastily I pulled away from the door. My breath heavy and my mind blurry as I nearly ran downstairs. Crowley aroused, Crowley kissing, Crowley begging to be made love to... my mind reeled, nearly panicked. I had always sort of known he was sexually active. We never talked about it, but I assumed. Demon after all... He had always hinted at it, what better way to tempt people?

"I want to feel human." Echoed Crowley's voice in my head as I entered the ball room again. Human, yes. This was one of the most human experiences after all.

I tried to blend in with the crowd, but it was difficult. My mind went back to what I had seen during every conversation I had. Everywhere it seemed as if sound of Crowley's quiet moans was filling my ears. With mounting horror I realised I was wondering what Crowley would look like overcome with ecstasy, desperate with desire...for _me_. After half an hour I decided to leave, I couldn´t concentrate on anything.

I just turned to leave when I saw the curly haired man enter the room, followed shortly by Crowley. He came straight over to me.

"Oh there you are, dear boy. I was looking for you." I said as he drew near, carelessly picking up two glasses of wine from a table as he passed and pushing one into my hands as he drew level with me.

"Were you, now?" He drawled with a wicked grin on his face._ He knew_. He knew I had seen him. I swallowed thickly, trying to think of another topic of conversation but my mind was curiously blank.

Perhaps Crowley would let it go. Oh, who was I kidding. I knew he wouldn't.

"You should try it sometimes." I choked on my wine.

"You know very well that I can't." I spluttered.

"Oh, I'm sure you _could_." He grinned at me wickedly, adjusting his tie.

"Well, I shouldn't then." I clarified.

"Relax, angel. I know you can't." A slight hint of bitterness and exasperation in his voice.

"But you can get drunk though, so let´s do that!" He downed his glas and grabbed another two glasses of champagne, pressing one into my hand.

I smiled awkwardly at him, involuntarily stil picturing him moaning and panting in desire, and we clinked glasses.

**XXX**

After that night in the theatre I had felt something stir awake in me. I couldn´t do the things Crowley did with humans. I had never felt any curiosity towards it either, until I had seen Crowley getting pleasured like that. Sometimes it would come into my mind suddenly: Crowley liked kissing humans and getting touched by them. What would it feel like for me? But I always pushed those thoughts away, knowing I couldn´t do it anyway.

Suddenly, I was reminded of something that Crowley had said in his dream in the park: _In here I can do what I want._ It was true, though. Humans often dreamt, of the most delightful, sinful, embarrassing things and they always brushed it off with it being just a dream. Could Crowley´s dream of me be the same? After all, I hadn´t really been there, it was really just that: a dream. But I had been there somewhat on purpose, I had known it was a dream and still I had acted voluntarily. But even if we had kissed in that dream, in real life we didn´t.

I stood up and grabbed my hair in a desperate movement. I started pacing angrily, knowing full well why I was debating myself like this. I was trying to find an excuse to do it again. I wanted, more than anything, to be back in that dream park and kiss Crowley, feel his passionate, warm lips against mine. I shuddered at the memory. My eyes fell on my chair and I made up my mind. I could go back there, I reasoned, because I had to check on Crowley. He had been injured recently and I needed to check if everything was ok. After all, maybe he was having another nightmare.

Even if he were to kiss me I would just not let it get too far. A tiny voice reminded me that it was very unlikely that I would be able to contain myself, and I knew that Crowley, probably didn´t just want to kiss me, that he would want to do many, many more things. I silenced that voice by reasoning that kissing a friend wasn´t that bad. And that really, it was _just_ _a dream._

I sank into my comfy chair and rested my head against the back. I hardly ever slept, never dreamed. Would I dream of Crowley now that I knew he had dreamed of me? I closed my eyes, seeking out that feeling of sleep and reaching out my presence to Crowley´s.

_My eyes closed and opened again. _

I sat in the Bently with Crowley lounging next to me. We were speading down some country lane. The car seemed to drive itself for Crowley was leaning backwards in his chair, hands behind his head and turned towards me. I smiled at him.

"Hello, my dear." Was this my dream? His?

"Hello, angel." He grinned back. I noticed the bebop playing on the radio, something about pressure, I wasn´t sure. Must be his dream, then.

I didn´t move as he came closer. My heart already thumping wildly in delightful anticipation. All my former resolve seemed to crumble in an instant. With a grin he pressed his lips against mine. I sighed happily and welcomed his touch. A warm, content feeling spread over me, much like the first time we had kissed in his other dream.

"I was worried about you, my dear." I murmured against his lips, unable to keep myself from voicing my concern. At dinner I had been quiet, but here there were no boundaries.

"I know. You shouldn´t be, angel." His hands cupped my face and he pressed his nose into my hair, breathing deeply. "I needed your help with healing my corporation, but for the rest I can take care of myself."

"But what if they come for you again? What if they-."

"They won´t." And his lips covered mine again and I melted against him, forgetting my worry. I wanted to tell myself that it was only lust, that he was a demon after all. But I knew that that wasn't the whole truth of it, his kisses were tender and dare I say it? _Lovingly._

With care he started to plant kisses against my neck and the sensitive skin under my ears.

"You would never kiss me this willingly." He breathed in my ear as he moved to kiss me on the lips again. My heart hurt as I noticed the longing laced in his voice. The sky around us became brighter, clearer and with regret I recognized the signs of him and me waking up.

"I'm sorry, my dear." I whispered back as I slowly opened my eyes to find myself in my bookshop again.

Defeated, I leaned back in my comfy chair, knowing full well I had just crossed a line. I had sought out that dream, looking for sin. And having got it, I didn´t even feel bad about. I stared off in the distance, barely aware of a customer coming in.

I had touched sin and only wanted more.

**Thank you for reading this! As always, thoughts or comments are more than welcome!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This chapter needs a warning. There is a scene that might be a bit distressing, it containes mentions of involuntary sex. If this upsets you, please skip to the end, I´ll include a small summary of the chapter there. I´ve seen other writers to this and I think that is a good solution.**

**I hope you like the rest of this chapter. There are some pivotal moments in this one, and some preludes to what´s coming in the next chapters.**

**Chapter 5**

After that one night, it didn´t take me long, a few weeks perhaps, to figure out Crowley´s sleeping pattern. After every dinner we had at the Ritz he would sleep, and also after every time we had a night of drinking at my place. He would also sleep every Tuesday, no matter what. Though I couldn´t find an explanation for that.

At first, it felt like trespassing whenever I would visit him in his dreams. But soon, I stopped worrying. His kisses silenced my worried and occupied mind and his warm hands on my shoulders comforted my troubled consciousness. As I had predicted, he would regularly try to take things further. But I would always cite our opposite sides as a reason not to. Often he got very frustrated and sometimes even low-key angry.

But underneath the lust or the anger, showed something else: a side of him that he had kept hidden from me. Well, he had _tried_ to keep hidden from me. It was his secret kindness and softness, hidden underneath his demonic characteristics. I knew this side of him, had seen it more often than perhaps anyone else. It would show up unexpectedly in the Arrangement, and it always warmed my heart way more than I cared to admit.

**1978**

Both our eyes followed the coin as it tumbled through the air. I caught it and smacked it down onto the back of my hand.

"Heads, you lose, my dear. I'm afraid you're going to Hull."

Secretly, I felt very glad. I wasn't in the mood at all to go to the coast. With the weather during this time of the year it was simply a dreadful place to be. Even here in London the rain was hammering against the window panes of the discreet little café I had picked for our meeting point and I could scarcely imagine what the weather would be like near the coast.

In the cosy café we were warm and comfortable though. I loved this little café with its lovely decor with its fine tapestries and upholstered chairs. Crowley's gaze had swept over the plush red seats and the extravagant rugs before settling on the flowery pattern on the walls. He had snorted a little before joining me at my table in the corner.

"Okay." Crowley grumbled, leaning forward in his chair. "Just give me more details about the assignment." I leaned over my cup of tea to whisper quietly in his ear. Close like this, I could see his yellow eyes through his glasses, which threw me off for a moment.

"The ferry will crash just outside the coast. Around 45 people will be involved. You should save around half of them." I leaned away from him again, taking a sip of my tea.

"Why only half?"

I hated it when Crowley questioned my assignments. It made me question them too and I didn't need doubt like that.

"Heaven thinks it will make the survivors appreciate their lives more."

"Right, nothing gives you more will to live then to see loved ones die around you." I knew he was rolling his eyes. I remained silent, I didn´t need his sarcasm.

"Fine." He finally said.

**XXX**

At night, a couple of days later, I turned on my television set to watch the news. I knew Crowley must have fulfilled my assignment by then and it would probably be all over the news. Just as I tuned in a reporter appeared, standing on a sandy beach with wind tugging at his hair and clothes.

"...yet the ferry left the harbour anyway but soon got into trouble. Miraculously, all passengers were saved. The coast guard said that-."

Wait a minute, _all_ of them? Blindly I reached for the phone, dialling Crowley´s number with my eyes still on the television.

"Crowley speaking. Unless you're someone who's going to bring me alcohol I suggest you bugger off. I've had a very shitty day." His voice sounded tired and worn out. I ignored it completely.

"Crowley, what the hell are you playing at?" I hissed.

"Oh, hello angel."

"I told you to save half of them, not all of them!"

"Well, you're welcome." He snapped angrily. "Things came up, okay."

The reporter on the television turned to a woman wrapped in a blanket. Her hair was wet and plastered to her face. But her eyes shone happily. I saw she was clutching a small child against her chest. A child. _Children_. It clicked in my brain.

Crowley had always been such a lousy demon when it came to children. He absolutely refused to kill them. Not for the first time I wondered what kind of angel he would have made. Kind, compassionate, I was sure of it.

"It was a miracle, it really was." The woman babbled excitedly. "I felt as if I was lifted out of the water by an invisible hand. It really must be the work of god, because suddenly I had little Amy here with me as well and I hadn't seen her since the ship turned over."

"Oh, Crowley." I sighed into the phone, my voice tender.

"Shut up, angel! Just shut up!" He hung up angrily.

I watched the rest of the report. Every saved person was telling about an unknown presence saving them all. Some talked about God, others about angels and al were full of wonder and gratitude. My heart burst with an intense feeling that I couldn´t quiet name and I spent the rest of the night watching reports on the saved ferry, wallowing in that feeling that was both happiness and sadness.

**XXX**

I met Crowley in a pub some days later. This time he had picked the place for our rendezvous. Whereas the little cafe had been all that I liked, this pub was an embodiment of Crowley. It was crowded, dirty. The people at the bar all had tattoos and piercings. I rarely felt so out of place in my three-piece suit as at that moment. The loud laughter I had heard from outside stopped abruptly as soon as I pushed the door open. Suspicious eyes followed me as I walked inside. Nervously I tugged at my bow tie, wondering if I had entered the wrong bar.

"Over here."

Crowley waved lazily at me, lounging in a corner couch near the back. I almost hadn't seen him through all the smoke that hung in the room. I made my way through the pub. Slowly the conversations started up again. I sat down next to Crowley on the couch. It was so crowded that I was forced to sit right next to him, our legs pressed together underneath the table and our elbows brushing when one of us moved.

"Yes?" A waitress had come up to our table before I even had had the time to greet Crowley. She eyed me in wonder, her eyes moving over my bow tie and pocket watch. She had multiple piercings in her nose and ears and her hair was a dark purple.

"Oh, I'll have a cup of-."

"Two pints." Crowley interrupted me. "And fish and chips for my friend here."

The waitress said nothing and walked away. I shifted, trying to get more room on the couch but somehow I only ended up closer to Crowley. Apparently he didn't mind for he didn't even bother to move.

"You really shouldn't have saved all these people." I said after a moment of silence.

"How about: thank you Crowley?" He snapped angrily.

"Look, I'm happy that you did. But it wasn't the assignment." A pair of sunglasses stared angrily at me. Anger, tenseness and disappointment radiated from Crowley's posture.

"Would you have done it? Killed all those people?" He finally asked.

A heavy silence fell between us as I struggled to find the right words.

"You know I can't disobey a direct order." Were the words I finally settled on. Words that seemed to disgust Crowley. He snorted in anger as he turned his head away to look at the rest of the bar. This time he did manage to move away from me and the warmth of his thigh, pressed against mine left me abruptly. A quiet whimper left me. The waitress returned, setting a plate of fish and chips and two pints of lager in front of us.

"Crowley." I tried. Knowing him well, I figured I knew how to fix it. I _had_ to fix this.

"I couldn't have saved them all, you know that. But you could and you did." I said pointedly. "And you did it so well. I would have gotten more than just a simple reprimand."

I picked a little at the unappetising fries.

"I got a message from head office and they were thrilled. They said that by saving them all it enforced the miracle even more. Apparently they were very happy with this interpretation of the mission."

Suddenly the fries looked a little more appetising.

"Sometimes I need your help to really make an assignment work. I mean, remember the Marshall plan?"

I laughed unsurely. All of a sudden the fries looked like the most delicious food I'd ever seen and the fish looked like some delicacy out of a foreign country. I took a few bites and it was delicious, more delectable than anything I'd ever eaten. Only then did I realise how Crowley's posture had changed. He hadn't moved an inch, and if I didn't know any better I'd have checked if he was still breathing, yet his whole aura was different.

"Yes. I remember." He said with a small, proud grin.

**1946**

"How on earth am I supposed to do this?" I was pacing my book shop angrily while Crowley lounged on his usual sofa.

"Don't look at me, angel. I'm a demon. I had my job filled out during the war. I can't work with this peace either."

"But here, look!" I shook the official paper with my assignment in his direction, he moved away as if it was poisonous. "They write that I have to turn the end of this war into something exceptional. How on earth can I do that? Millions dead, so much suffering." I threw up my hands in despair.

"Relax, you'll think of something. Just play to the human's strength."

"Their strength..." I stopped pacing, mulling it over in my head.

"Humans love to help each other, even during hard times." I started slowly. Crowley was silent, but I knew he was watching me intently.

"Maybe something with a big project, all the countries working together, giving money and aid to the countries that are now in ruins."

"What, like a loan?"

"No, more like... a gift."

The idea started to appeal to me. The massiveness of it was staggering, I knew it was way too big to do it alone

"I'd need your help I'm afraid, I don't think I can do it by myself." Crowley sighed theatrically and I knew I had him.

"All right then, but you owe me."

Crowley's help turned out to be extravagant, supremely over the top. Whereas I had envisioned a big project, his vision was even bigger, huge. Under our combined guidance the Marshall plan developed into something enormous, something so beneficial that its influence would stretch for decades.

"Won't your superiors be mad when they find out?" I asked worriedly once the success of the project became clear, but Crowley just shook it off.

"I can manage myself, don't worry. Besides, you owe me now." His grin was a little too malicious to my liking, but I ignored it.

"Very well then."

**XXX**

But it wouldn´t be until nearly two decades later that he asked for a repayment of the favour and it would turn out to be one of the days that would haunt me the rest of my life. But even that dreadful day had had an underlining of that secret side of him.

For the one part it was that secret side that I longed for, that I came looking for in his dreams. The other part was my awakened desire, the realisation that there we really _could_ do what we wanted to do.

For weeks now I visited him in his dream, as often as I could, unable to stay away from him. And now, after another dinner at the Ritz I lied down on my sofa, seeking him out eagerly, knowing he would be asleep soon after he had gone home.

_I blinked._

Lush, green hills, the houses of a little village, seemingly made out of green silk visible in the distance. We were near Taddfield, I realised. Only the trees looked more gluriously green than ever and the grass I was sitting on seemed to be made of green velvet. Everywhere, there was green or shades of green and the surroundings seemed to be made of velvet, satin or other odd fabric. I had hardly time to contemplate this odd fact however, for Crowley was already there, drawing me in for a heavy, heated kiss. I moaned eagerly, having been desperate to feel his lips against mine. I drew back to ask:

"Really, my dear. Is that all you do with me?" I smiled a little, knowing full well that it was.

"Oh no." His smirk was devilishly. "I do a lot of things with you here. Kissing is usually just the introduction."

"Introduction to what?" A pleasant, heavy feeling settled in my stomach as I saw the eager expression in his eyes. I knew the answer, of course, but I wanted, needed, to hear it. These dreams had made me bolder, more aware of my own body and his and all the possible ways we could have pleasure.

"To unspeakable, nasty things, angel." Crowley grinned as he moved closer. "Things you would never allow me to do to you in the real world." I shuddered at his voice, so full of promises.

"But lately you turn me down, that never used to happen this often."

"Maybe I´m not ready." I managed weakly. I was conflicted. Something of me was still holding back, kissing I might have been able to explain to head office, but more…?

"Yeah, I go too fast for you." He rolled his eyes.

"Well yes, maybe."

"Ugh, In here it´s not real. You don´t have to worry! It´s not like I´m seducing you in the real world."

Angrily, he moved away and suddenly he disappeared. I looked around, the hills were gone and we were once again in that dark basement, surrounded by demons. I dreaded it when this happened.

He dreamt of the park often. But just as often the dream would shift suddenly and we would be in that infernal basement with the demons harassing him. Every time we were there, I would reach out to him and we would soar upwards into that blissful whiteness and right now I moved to do just that.

This time however it seemed as if I couldn´t get close to him. I seemed more solid somehow and I could only watch, trying desperately to get to him as the demons attacked him.

"Poor, Crowley. Always up there." Hastur jeered. "Having to associate with the humans for millennia."

"Humans!" Beelzebub crowed. "Angels you mean! Isn´t that right, Crowley? That you have been associating, fraternizing with that angel." She grabbed his hair, pulling him backwards. I cried out angrily and I wanted to get closer to him, but I couldn´t move through the mass of demons.

"Only to gain his trust." Crowley managed. But I could tell it was a lie, as I was sure the other could as well.

"Liar." Hastur hissed. "You´re rather fond of your angel, aren´t you?"

"Good thing we have him here, then." Beelzebub grabbed Crowley´s hair, forcing him to look to a place to my right. I saw him gasp in panic. I turned and I froze up inside.

It was _me_.

Or someone, something that looked exactly like me. It was a perfect copy of my corporation, down to every tiny detail in my outfit. The me was standing, lounging lazily against a doorframe with a wicked smile on its face. There was something dreadfully wrong with it. Whatever it was, it looked exactly like me but something was off. The smile was too evil, the stance too aloof. I would never slouch like that. But in spite of these discrepancies it had a profound effect on Crowley. He was frozen in place, staring at the fake me in horror.

"You just _love_ hanging out with him don´t you?" Hastur whispered maliciously.

The me walked towards Crowley, still with that odd smile on his face.

"Yes. We are together all the time." It was weird to hear my voice from that person. "He´s my little demon bitch." I balked at the swearing. Never would I even think of referring to Crowley like that.

The lookalike had reached Crowley, who still stared at him in horror. Beelzebub forced Crowley onto his knees.

"And you know what I do with my little bitch?" The lookalike smirked. Beelzebub snickered as she grabbed Crowley firmly. Hastur reached over and yanked down Crowley pants with obvious glee. Crowley seemed to surge awake.

"No!" He shouted, panic clear in his voice.

The lookalike licked his lips hungrily and started to unbutton his trousers.

A feeling of nausea came over me. Surely…surely they didn´t? Even demons wouldn´t stoop so low as to..?

_I don__t want you to see this, angel. _

It took me a while to realize it was Crowley´s voice. I was still unwillingly mesmerized by the sight of Crowley swearing, struggling and shouting as the lookalike drew near. Hastur and Beelzebub trying to force him to bend over.

_Angel. _

This time, Crowley looked at me, seemingly knowing I was there in his dream. No longer was I bound in place and I fled towards him, grabbing him by the arm.

We moved instantaneously, flying upwards, away.

Calm, quiet, peace. I held him pressed against me as we flew together, our robes swirling in the silent breeze. My wings lazily around us and his moving against mine. I buried my nose in his long red curls. This time, there was no whiteness, but a beautiful starry sky around us. Colours and patterns of stars and nebulae swirling around us.

_Are you really here? _ Crowley´s voice came from nowhere.

_I__m as real as you are. _I replied after a while. Not really an answer, but it was the truth.

_You shouldn__t see what happened after that._

_I guess. You can always share anything with me, darling._

_Not this, angel. Not this._

But there was no anger in his voice, there was no place for that here. We flew together. I don´t know how long. After some time, he drifted away from me. His hand trailed over mine, my fingers tingling at the touch as he moved away and I woke up, the light of the setting sun hitting me in the face.

"Angel, meet me at the Ritz at seven." I was only half surprised when I had a voicemail message the next morning.

I was well aware of the fact that Crowley used food to manipulate me. It was one of my weaknesses, along with music and personal care. I loved my Beethoven and Bach, my manicures and my barber appointments. I couldn´t really blame him though. I knew his weaknesses too. He loved cars and plants. We shared interests in alcohol and music, though Crowley wasn´t that fond of food. He also had a love for personal care. I always found him a bit vain, with his ever changing hair styles and clothes. He managed to simultaneously blend in as well as stand out. He always dressed in the latest fashions but he did it in such a way that he stood out due to his extravagancy.

Crowley waited until I was nearly finished with my dessert before he asked me the question I knew he wanted to ask:

"Were you really there?"

I focused my eyes on my trifle, not quite sure how I was going to answer this question.

"Yes, yes I was." I finally settled on. I had always been a bad liar, especially to him. Best to just speak the truth. Did he know I had been in his earlier dream as well? I remembered how his voice had sounded in that nightmare and in our wonderful, flying dream afterwards. It wasn´t really a voice, it was more a feeling, a knowing that he spoke, as if he were speaking in my mind. We never spoke like that, not in the dreams we kissed, not in the nightmares and not in the white or starry skied flying dreams. It must have been the first time he had realized I was really there and he had used that connection to communicate directly with me. I hoped he didn´t make the connection that I might be in his other dreams too.

"How?" He asked and I sighed in confusion, not really knowing the answer myself.

"I don´t know. I think that when I healed you there was some sort of connection forged between us. Seeing as that awful experience with the demons resulted in you being hurt which let to me healing you, it seems as that when you relive that experience that connection pulls us closer."

He nodded, his fingers trailing over his wineglass.

"You shouldn´t see what comes after that bit, angel." He said, repeating what he had said in the dream. His voice was tight. Angry, I realized. Angry at the demons and their actions.

"Ok, if you don´t want to then, I won´t." My own throat growing tight at the memory of what they tried doing to him, of what they most probably had done to him. "You know, my dear, that I would not- I would _never__…_" I began.

"I know." Crowley interrupted. In a moment of weakness, I grabbed for his hand on the table, squeezing it. The feeling of his hand, a real one, not a dream one, comforting me and hopefully him as well. He squeezed back, a small yet victorious grin on his lips.

"I know you wouldn´t." He added. My heart broke a little at his infinite trust. But whas it really trust? There was something strange in his voice.

How was it, I wondered, that he still wanted to kiss me in his dreams? After what happened in hell? I truly couldn´t understand. As I looked at the fierce expression on his face I had the feeling I was missing something important here, some vital point of information that was just out of my reach.

**Chapter summary:**

**Aziraphale finds out Crowley´s sleeping pattern, visiting him often in his dreams. The tenderness Crowley shows there reminds him of when he helps him with his assignments. In Hull, for example, he had to save half of the people drowning in a ferry accident. Yet, Crowley saved them all when he realized there were children present. And after World War II he helped Aziraphale device the Marshall Plan, making sure to remind Aziraphale that he is now indepted to him.**

**When Aziraphale visits him in another dream the dream shifts suddenly to Crowley´s nightmare of the demons harassing him. They have made a lookalike of Aziraphale, who threatens to have sex with Crowley against his will. Crowley seems to realize the real Aziraphale is there, and he warns him to go away. Aziraphale is frozen in place and only just manages to save Crowley, pulling both of them away from the nightmare and into a peaceful dream where they are flying through a starry sky, Crowley emphasizes that Aziraphale shouldn´t see what comes after the bit that he saw in the nightmare.**

**He repeats that statement once they are having dinner later in the Ritz. Aziraphale consensts, reminding Crowley he would never do something like that. Something in Crowley´s attitude makes him think that he is missing out on something, but he can´t quite put his finger onto it.**

**A/N: Thank you for reading this chapter! As always, I love to hear your thoughts on it. Feel free to drop a line :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Graphic M**

**Chapter 6**

It was a quiet Tuesday. I hadn´t seen Crowley in a while but I knew he was probably working on an assignment. I felt his demonic energy bubbling along the streets, confusing people, harassing them, what not.

I just came back from helping at the local church, handing out meals for the homeless and talking to lonely elderly people. Tuesday…I knew what that meant. No matter what, Crowley would go to sleep on a Tuesday. Anticipation already heavy in my stomach and my palms sweaty in nerves. It had been getting harder and harder to resist Crowley in his dreams. Whenever he started pawing at my clothes it took me more and more determination to get away from him.

Outside the sun was setting. Bright orange reflected on windows across the street. I sighed as I recollected another beautiful sunset half a century ago. A sunset that had concluded a wonderful day and that could have had an even more wonderful ending.

**London, 1969**

"You should come too, angel. See the result of all our hard work." No one should be able to sound this smug over the phone, I decided. But there he was, making it sound as if it was all my doing yet it had been his assignment and not mine. I twisted the phone cord between my fingers, weighing in my mind the possible consequences of going to see the fruit of our labour.

"Oh, I don't know, I'm afraid I went a little overboard." I finally answered nervously.

"...a little, really? You took the assignment more serious than I did."

"Well, free love, world peace, you really sold it to me." When he had come to visit me in my bookshop, asking for a repayment of the favour I had been reluctant, but when he told me about the general idea behind it I was sold immediately. He really knew me too well and had pushed all the right buttons easily.

"That I did, but look, I think both our head offices will be thrilled, just come to the park this afternoon. You'll see."

Of course I went to the park, how could I not? I was too curious to see how the assignment turned out. After all, we had worked on it for years. At first I had been reluctant to sway people away from authority but Crowley had convinced me that it was being replaced by love and the will to change the world for the better. He encouraged the movement for carefree sex and defying the status quo, I encouraged the feelings of love and hope. In the end it balanced out, as things usually did. The global movement made good things happen and some scandalous, bad things as well. For my sake I just hoped the good things prevailed.

When I arrived at the park I was immediately welcomed by happy young people, dressed in flared pants and bright coloured shirts. Some kissed me on my cheek while others put flowers in my hair and behind my ears.

Immediately I realised was I dressed all wrong. Knowing I had to blend in if I wanted to see the full effect of our project I changed my clothes with the blink of an eye when they weren't looking. My usual attire changed to one of brightly coloured striped pants and a shirt with a happy flowery pattern. I kept the flowers in my hair and behind my ears to complete the outfit. After saying goodbye to the lovely young people I slowly walked into the park. Everywhere young people sat on the grass between the freshly green trees, talking, hugging, laughing and smoking. A strange smell hung in the air, heavy, grassy and intoxicating. And everywhere I felt it, a tentative, ever present feeling of love and persuasion, kindness and care. A heavenly feeling. I didn't need to look for long for it was easy to spot Crowley. His red hair curled over his ears, dark sunglasses as ever in place and true to the fashion of that time he wore tight jeans and he too wore a flowery patterned shirt, though all in dark colours. Currently he was sitting on a woollen blanket in the grass, talking to the people around him. He didn't notice me until I was right in front of him and my shadow fell over him.

"Angel!" He exclaimed, looking up surprised. It was obvious that he hadn't really expected me to show up. He reached up and tugged me down by me sleeve.

"Come sit, have a drink." He said hastily, pushing a glass of wine into my hands. It didn't take long for me to be completely engulfed in the easy, laid back atmosphere. Crowley's friends were talking and laughing and I just listened to their stories about how they wanted to change the world. They were all smoking and smiling and very relaxed. Sometimes one would kiss another and they would lose themselves in it completely.

I jumped when a hand slid up my arm to come and rest over my shoulder. A young, lithe body pressed against my side. My eyes met those of a young woman who was leaning heavily against me. Her long dark hair tickled my face and I noticed how her eyes were heavily lidded and the vague smile she wore on her face.

"You're very handsome." She said in a soft voice.

"Am I? Thank you, my dear." I shifted nervously.

A curious finger trailed over my cheek and she leaned in closer, her warm breath soft on my cheek.

"All right, that's enough." A voice came from behind me. Another body, firm and somehow very familiar, pressed against my other side, one arm possessively around my waist and the other prying the young woman away from me.

"My friend is not like that." His voice was dangerously close to my ear and for once I didn't correct him when he referred to me as his friend.

"Oh." Said the girl, then: "Oh! I thought he might be but I wasn't sure." I didn't know what she was talking about, but Crowley did, it seemed. He looked at me with a slightly guilty expression on his face before standing up from the blanket.

"My friend and I are going for a walk." He extended his hand to me and I allowed him to pull me up.

"You're cute." The blonde girl said, looking up at us. I wasn't sure whether she meant, me, Crowley or the both of us. I didn´t have time to wonder about it, because Crowley pulled me away from the blanket.

"Let´s go, angel."

All day we strolled through the park, listening to music, talking and laughing with people. The overwhelmingly positive atmosphere was intoxicating, it invoked a strong sensation of love for human kind inside of me. Everywhere I talked to people, listening to their hopes and dreams, their aspirations. I knew Crowley was encouraging people left and right to indulge in earthly pleasures but I chose to ignore it when I saw him sprinkle his influence, people kissing and touching each other whenever he walked past.

It was truly a magnificent day. The park never looked more beautiful, with its flowers and trees and the positive vibration everywhere in the air. And only when the shadows of the trees started to lengthen did I realize how late it was getting.

"Let´s sit down for a bit, shall we?" I asked Crowley, pointing out an empty bench underneath a tree.  
With a content sigh he sat down next to me. In front of us the beginnings of the sunset were just manifesting themselves in the sky.

"What a wonderful day, angel." A satisfied look crossed his face and his praise for the day shocked me for he was rarely so outspoken.

"Yes, it was lovely."

I turned my joy towards the tentative sunset in front of us, wanting this day to be even more beautiful. With a slight and small wave of my hand I brightened up the colours and added more contrast. Steadily I added more orange and pink to the flat colours, turning the sky into a bright, colourful painting.

Beside me, Crowley gasped softly.

"Are you doing this?" He asked, stunned, his eyes wide.

"Oh, sorry." I said guiltily, thinking I was overdoing it. With the blink of an eye I turned it down, the bright colours slowly disappearing.

"No, don't. I like it." From the side I could see he was keeping his eyes fixed on the sky a hand grasped my wrist, urging me on. How could I not comply?

Slowly I tuned the colours back on, trying to use all my creative power, even if I didn't have as much as Crowley had. Swirls of light pink slowly drifted into view, set against a dark pink back ground. To the left I added more reds that turned into a burning dark orange.

Suddenly dark purple and orange wisps were added to the sky. Crowley grinned beside me and I knew it was him doing it.

It became a competition between the two of us. Both of us kept adding more colours, more patterns. He turned my pinks and oranges darker, more seductive and I turned his reds and purples more vibrant and friendly. My hand shifted and I entwined my fingers with his, it felt as the only right thing to do. As usual when we touched I was filled with a wonderful feeling, a feeling I both cherished and feared.

Hand in hand we painted the night's sky. Slowly I allowed the colours to become darker and the stars to come out. As the light around us faded I turned to Crowley. I wanted to see him in the dying light of this lovely day. It seemed as if he felt the same, for he was already looking at me.

The carefree and enjoyable side that I had seen of him this afternoon shone through in his relaxed posture and in the dark I could see his eyes reflected behind his sunglasses. My feelings for him were bubbling up vehemently. A heavy sense of desire in the air. I saw a flicker of something in his eyes.

His free hand came up and oh so carefully he cradled the side of my face with it. Overwhelming feelings hit me: tenderness, care, but above all that, the all-consuming desire to kiss him. As soon as I realised that I felt the hand tighten and he shifted closer. Nervousness was clear in the slight tremble in his hands and it only made my heart flutter more. With delicate care he pulled me closer, my heart racing and burning with that desire to be even closer, to feel his lips on mine. Since I had caught him with that man, more than a century ago now, I had finally recognised what I was feeling whenever I saw him with someone or when he was strutting or flaunting his sexuality: jealousy, desire. Before that pivotal moment I had only vaguely realised what I had felt, or if I did I had denied it, but now, after that moment there was no denying it. Sometimes when I was feeling vulnerable or particularly loving I would be swept away by it. It was a feeling I was well aware of must be flowing out of me now.

Determination flared up in Crowley's eyes, visible this close even through his sunglasses. My heart hammered in my chest and my now sweaty hand grabbed his more tightly, urging him on or pleading to stop, I didn't know.

I felt Crowley's warm breath on my lips and I melted against him. With a pained sigh I turned my head, just as his lips were about to touch mine. Instead, they grazed over my cheek and the corner of my mouth. For a moment we both froze, until he pressed his lips firmly against my cheek.

I knew he could sense it, taste it perhaps, my desire for him that only grew even more ferocious after feeling his lips on my skin.

"I think we both got a bit carried away by this whole day." I whispered. But what I meant, the hidden meaning was: you know I can't do this, _won_'t do this. He was a demon, only out to get me, to corrupt, to defile, I reminded myself. He only tried to strike now because he knew I was vulnerable. He didn't really want to kiss me for me, he only wanted it to corrupt me.

Crowley leaned back to look me in the eye. His hand still on my face, caressing me for a moment with more tenderness and anger than I knew possible before moving away completely.

"Yes, I think we did." He finally said. Our hands still entwined, between our bodies. For a moment we looked at each other. It was almost completely dark now.

"Let me drive you to your bookshop."

My breath caught in my throat, I wanted nothing more than that.

"Perhaps, better not." I couldn't, not now. I wouldn't be able to resist him, I knew.

He looked at me and for the life of me, I couldn't tell if he was angry or sad.

"Better not." He echoed in a clipped tone, breaking my heart. With my body shaking slightly all over I stood up.

"I'll- I'll see you soon, all right?"

"You'll see me when you need my help with another assignment." He bit out. Now there was only the old familiar anger in his voice and posture.

"I don't need your help!"

"Likewise, angel." He spat the last word. Angrily I stomped off, pushing our tender moment, our almost kiss far away into a deep corner of my mind, intending to forget all about it.

**XXX**

But I couldn´t forget about it. Every time I saw a sunset like this, I was reminded of what almost happened. What would have happened had I not turned my head away in the last possible moment.

The memory of that tender, emotional night with Crowley had a deep effect on me. I wanted to be by his side, wanted to be near him. Suddenly, all I could think of were his kisses, his touch. And I realized I wanted more than just that, I wanted so much more, needed so much more. I swallowed and moved into my back room. For a moment I stared at my chair. With a sigh I made up my mind.

This time, I sat down in my armchair with a clear purpose. My palms were sweaty with nerves as I felt the weight of what I was about to do. Resolutely, I closed my eyes and sought out Crowley, knowing I would find him.

_I blinked._

A hill in the park and in front of me a beautiful, perpetual sunset. Or was it a sunrise? A glorious feeling of anticipation, the freshness of a new day was in the air. It seemed as if I wasn´t the only one remembering this particular day. I sat down on the grass, on the same blanket Crowley and I had sat on during our day with the hippies.

"Hello, dear." Yellow eyes found mine and I smiled happily.

"Hello angel."

"I remember this sunset well." I said, with a nod to the vibrant sky.

"Me too, angel."

"Had I not been-." I swallowed. "Had I not been such a coward, who knew what would have happened?"

"Well, I have _some_ ideas." He grinned at me.

"Like what? Why don´t you show me." I was shocked by my own daring, but Crowley didn´t wait for me to reconsider. A hand found mine and the other was placed carefully at my cheek, mimicking our stance of decades earlier on that fateful day. I was drawn into his eyes, leaning into his touch. This time, when he leaned in I didn´t move away, instead I accepted his kiss happily. Loving his warm lips and their urgent movement. As his tongue moved into my mouth I moaned needily. The sound urged him on, pressing his body against mine and his hands shifted, drifting over my shoulders and back.

I drew away from, my lips swollen from his kisses.

"Would that be all? Or do you have more to show me?"

Crowley seemed surprised at such boldness, sucking in a happy, surprised breath at my question. He breathed out unsurely before smiling widely at me.

"Oh, I have so much more to show you. I want to show you how good it feels to touch and be touched. I want to make you feel the pleasure this human way of loving has. I want to show you how fantastic it feels. I know you want it, deep down. I know you long to feel it. Let me be the one to show you."

That reckless feeling of earlier surged through me again as I heard his words. After all we had already done, after all the reasons why it couldn´t be a problem I could only think: Here, we were safe. It felt so right to do it.

"Yes. Do it. Show me." I whispered, looking into those yellow eyes. Crowley pressed his lips to mine hungrily and I surrendered to his kiss unapologetically. His hands moved to my shoulders and he pressed me down onto the grass. This time I allowed him to unbutton my coat, shirt, all my layers and slide it off. As his hands moved over my bare chest and throat I felt a breathy moan escape my mouth. His fingers set me on fire, a heavy feeling of desire in their wake.

At that sound he pushed himself up and hastily he discarded himself of his jacket and shirt.

"No magic?" I whispered, as I raised a questioning hand up towards his chest.

"No. The humans have something right there." He grabbed my hand, placing it against his chest. I swallowed. How could a dream be this detailed? "Slow is better. The anticipation makes it worth your while."

"Experience, my dear?" I asked as my fingers traced over his chest and stomach.

"This is not the time for that, angel." He leaned in, pressing our bare chests together. I moaned, a desperate sound I didn´t know I could make as I felt our bodies pressed together like that. His mouth returned to mine and I kissed back hastily, sloppily, wanting more and more. It was true what he had said, I wasn´t even undressed yet and already I felt close to begging. Insistent hands tugged at my trousers and before I had time to think about it he had undressed me completely.

A blush crept up my face and down my chest as I saw him look at me. His grin widened as his gaze fell between my legs.

"Thank…someone." Crowley muttered. His eyes caught mine and I raised an eyebrow in question. "This wouldn´t be the first dream where I would have to yell at you for not making the effort. Bit of a downer when that happens, really."

I laughed in a sudden burst of happiness. But my laughter was smothered by his hungry mouth.

"I love it when you make the effort, at least then I can show you how good this feels." A warm hand brushed over my already erect cock and I gasped at the sensation.

"Oh, Crowley." I sighed against his mouth. All I could do was feel. My entire being focussed on how his hand traced slowly over me. My hands moved over his body, longing to feel, to memorize. As his hand grasped me fully I dug my nails into his back. And as he started to move that hand of his I moaned out against his skin, my mouth pressed against his neck.

Crowley became more desperate and he moved away from me to hastily remove the rest of his clothes. I stared unabashedly at his glorious naked form. He had a lean frame but he wasn´t by any means too thin. The hairs on his chest and lower abdomen a tantalizing red and his narrow hips leading down to, oh my-. Erect it was definitely something completely different than what I had seen earlier some months ago as I had cleaned him. But his eyes shone with a purpose and he pushed me down eagerly.

His mouth found my neck and travelled down my chest. Every lick had me moaning, every sweep of his tongue had me gasping and squirming. And then, his mouth was where I wanted it the most. Warm and welcoming on my erection. All semblance of control left me as he took me into his mouth.

"Oh fuck." I moaned, the curse unfamiliar on my tongue, as he worked those lips around my cock. I felt myself racing so fast towards that feeling of complete bliss. I gave my self to the sensation with abandon. I wasn´t even aware anymore of the sounds I must be making, the begging I must be doing. Just as I was sure that I was right there, knew that I needed only a little more…his mouth left me.

"What? What?" I gasped out, slowly resurfacing from this ocean of pleasure.

"Can´t have you coming already, angel. Not yet." Crowley grinned at me from between my legs.

His hand on my hips shifted and he traced over the inside of my thigh, before moving down lower. I breathed out a shaky gasp as I felt his fingers trace over my entrance. Obviously slicked up with something. But this was a dream, so I didn´t question it. Couldn´t question a lot anyway, in this state that I was in.

A shiver ran through me at this completely new sensation. A harsh breath left my lips as he pressed two fingers inside. It felt so very intimate and sensual. With care he moved his fingers, stretching me open slowly. I fell apart under his ministrations, my hands grasping his shoulders and my head pressed back against the grass. He thoroughly worked me open, taking all the time he wanted to touch me and bring me close to agony.

His fingers left me and I groaned, not wanting him to stop. But his hands moved to rest under my hips, grasping me firmly. I felt him lean over me, pressing our bodies flush against each other. His erection rubbed mine, before sliding lower. My hand went up to wind into his glorious hair.

"Don´t you want me to touch you, pleasure you?" I managed out, my fingers trembling in his hair.

"No, not this time. Right now I want to be inside you, angel. It´s been so long."

And with that, he pushed himself into me. I was unprepared for how vulnerable it made me feel. After all we had shared together, we had never shared anything so human, so personal. It was a great act of trust, to let him do this and I felt more naked than ever before. But there wasn´t anyone I would have wanted to do this with, only him. Only with him I could be this vulnerable.

His movements were more tender than I had thought, slowly, carefully, sliding in and out of me. Our hips seemed to know how to move and we grinded in a slow rhythm that seemed almost familiar. It was pleasure such as I had never experienced before, building in a slow, lazy way with a promise of ultimate pleasure underneath it. I grabbed the back of his neck and pressed our foreheads together. At that moment I knew that this was where I was meant to be: with him.

My breaths left me shakily and however much I tried, I couldn´t keep my embarrassing moans to a minimum. Crowley shifted and he hit a spot inside me that made me cry out desperately, my hands grabbing onto his shoulders harshly. He grinned wickedly and leaning down, he whispered in my ear:

"Good, isn´t it?"

"Yes, oh yes." I moaned. But all speech left me as he picked up his pace, moving harder and faster. A true onslaught on my body and that slow wave of pleasure steadily become a powerful tide taking hold of me completely. Wave after wave crashed over me and I felt completely overpowered. Every thrust brought more pleasure, more ecstasy, more desperation to reach that conclusion. The most beautiful sounds came from Crowley´s lips: breathy moans, pained groans and hitched breathing. I knew I was probably moaning wantonly, much loader than I would like. Crowley grabbed my ass, his hips snapping into mine. His mouth pressed against my ear as he whispered in a breathy moan:

"I can feel you´re nearly there. Let go, angel. Let go." His hand reach between our moving bodies and he grabbed my weeping cock, stroking me. A powerful wave swept over me and I fell over the edge, gasping and digging my nails into his back. He followed me almost immediately with a groan and a stuttering movement of his hips.

He buried his face in my neck, kissing the sweaty skin there as I lay panting under him.

"Is it always this good?" I asked, still out of breath. He snorted.

"You bet."

The colours around as started to shift, light up. I felt him sigh against my neck.

"I´m waking up." He murmured.

"Why?" My voice sounded ragged.

"I mostly do, after I come. It´s that damn human corporation of mine."

He shifted so that he could look down at me again. With a grin he said: "But don´t worry, I´ll be back soon enough."

My eyes blinked open. I had shifted on the couch, slipped down so that my neck was bent and was hurting. An unfamiliar sticky feeling in my pants…My mind was torn. Was it wrong what I, what _we_ had just done? It was a dream after all. That argument now felt weak. Overused almost. I had been there very consciously, seeking it out. After that first dream I knew very well where his dreams must be going. I knew that it was wrong, but even so, I went looking for that delicious, delicious sin.

I buried my head in my hands, sighing in confused defeat.

**A/N: I want to thank my faithful reviewers TheLadyMango and Arinia. You always give me such a boost to continue writing and updating this story! I´m always looking forward to reading your reviews.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thank you for your kind messages! This new chapter is a big one and I´ve been sitting on it since pretty much the beginning. I hope you´ll like it!  
**

**This chapter contains some distressing scenes, just like chapter 5. Just like chapter 5 it isn´t very explicit but I´ve included a summary at the end of the chapter in case you want to skip it, feel free to do so.**

**Chapter 7**

It was always good fun, organising and re-shelving my books. I was just putting away my first hand copies of the Jane Austen novels when I heard the bell over the shopdoor tingle its familair jingle.

I turned around just as Crowley meandered through the stacks of books. It was easy to tell he was nervous about something. Over the millenia I had came to be able to read him just by his posture alone and right now his rigidness radiated concern and nerves, He came right up to me, leaning down to whisper in my ear.

"Are we alone?"

"What? Yes of course." I said nervously. There was nothing like being near him in real life. No matter how often we touched or kissed in his dreams, that was nothing compared to how it felt to be near him in the realness of everyday life.

"I mean, are there no authorities listening in?" He raised his eyebrows pointedly.

"No, as far as I know not. I don´t have any meetings planned."

"Come." He grabbed me by the elbow, leading me to the back of the shop. With a wave of his hand the curtains closed and the sign on the door switched to ´closed´.

"Crowley, what is the matter-."

"Are you being watched?" He interrupted me, pushing me down in my comfortable chair. The same chair I often fell asleep in to look for him in his dreams.

"What?" He wasn't making any sense. "Like I said I´m not being-."

"No, not right now." He snapped. He leaned in, hands on the armrests. "I mean when you´re outside. Do you have the feeling that you´re being followed? That people are watching you?" A fierce look was fixed on me, the lines in his face hard and rigid.

I racked my brain, thinking about the past few days and weeks. Had there been people following me? Unsavoury types?

"No. Not that I can think of." Crowley breathed out relaxed, leaning back.

"You sure?"

"Yes. Crowley what is this about?"

He didn't answer me instead he went to pour both of us a glass of wine from the cabinet next to the desk. His shoulders remained clenched and his face was still lined in worry. I had only ever seen him worried like this in a couple of occasions. And all of them had had to do with his bosses.

"Do you think they´ll come for me next?" I asked very quietly, knowing he would hear anyway.

This was only the second time I addressed the nightmare with the demons. After that dream where he had found out I was there he hadn't had the nightmare anymore. Or so it seemed. I couldn't shake the feeling that Crowley was keeping me away from that particular dream on purpose. He didn´t even have the lovely flying dreams anymore. As a matter of fact, he rarely seemed to dream as it is. Often when I went to sleep I would just wake up a couple of hours later. In the dreams I did have I was alone, searching and searching but so rarely finding him. On the occasions I did however he was hungry for me, hungrier than ever. He would hardly give me time to kiss him because he would very nearly rip my clothes off. A look of longing in his eyes as he stripped me of every garment. Hungry for me he may be, but he always took his time to kiss me all over and to bring me to the brink of pure ecstacy before he would think of his own pleasure.

It was strange and endearing to come to the conclusion that he dreamed of the same moments in time that I had special memories of. For in his dreams he would pull me into his lap in the baths of Rome, steam and delicious smells around us. He would make love to me on the floor of that very ballroom we had had our drinks in after the concernt in the 1800´s. The way he treated me in those dreams made it clear that he thought I was not really there. It seemed that he thought that me healing him had only connected me to his nightmare of how he had gotten injured and molested.

Crowley handed me a glass of wine.

"I've had intelligence that they might." It was his way of saying ´yes´.

"I can handle myself, my dear." I said, taking a small sip.

"Ha!" He choked on his wine. "No, you can´t."

"I beg your pardon!"

He slapped down his empty glass angrily.

"They won´t come for you like they came for me. They´ll find something else, something just for you. Don´t you understand?"

I didn't understand. I was all goodness and light, how on earth could I envision something like those nightmares of his? Crowley grew frustrated and he stepped up to me, grabbing me by the lapels of my suit.

"Listen to me, angel." He whispered harshly in my face. "Don´t trust anyone, no human, no angel. No one. No one is safe."

"Except for you my dear." I couldn´t help but interject, a slight smile on my lips.

"Yes, all right, except for me. Just don´t let them do to you what they did to me. I just want to make sure you don´t have to do the same things that I had to do."

Those last statements didn't make sense, but one look in the distressed face of Crowley made me nod in agreement anyway.

"Of course, my dear. I´ll be careful."

As soon as Crowley left I locked the door, his nerves had rubbed off on me. It wasn't the first time Crowley had come to warn me and had prevented me from dying or embarrassment. I still remembered 1942 vividly where he saved me from the Nazi spies and that wasn't even the only time he saved me. Throughout the Arrangement we had helped each other quite often. Helping each other out was for some reason always a very intimate thing to do. Emotions often ran high at those moments, but never as high back in 1991 when I came to his rescue.

**London, 1991**

I ran and ran as fast as I could. The wind streaming into my face, bringing tears to my eyes. Had I been truly human I would have been out of breath by now. Worse still, I don't think my human corporation would be fit enough to run this fast anyway.

I skidded around the corner, still gaining speed as the sense of Crowley's energy became stronger and stronger. I kept holding on to that feeling. As long as I felt him he was safe. _Alive._ But with that same feeling came also a mounting sense of dread.

I turned the next corner and there he was: bribing police officers to look the other way as drug crime surged to a new high in the neighbourhood. He had been doing this little act for over a month now. I had let him do so, the Arrangement detailed that we should leave each other alone when it came to our assignments, but lately I had been growing uneasy. Crowley was starting to draw attention, and not just from the drug lords he was giving more leeway. Word had reached the local church that the neighbourhood was in dire need of spiritual guidance and one man in particular had taken it upon himself to root out this drug problem once and for all. It was agreed that it seemed as if demonic forces were at large here. An old paranoia had taken hold of the clergy men.

An unobtrusive stranger, standing a little to the side was quietly biding his time while Crowley was busy giving the money to the police officers.

The men left, walking away laughing happily, already thinking about the stuff they were going to buy from it. The stranger moved, one of his hands disappearing in the pocket of his coat, reaching for a weapon. No ordinary weapon. I sensed it before I saw it: holy water.

Without thinking I threw myself in front of Crowley, just as the man was about to pounce. I allowed my Heavenly force to flow through me.

"You shall not harm him!" Otherwordly wrath ringing in my voice, white light shimmering around me. It was something I never did, normally my own calm voice was enough to do the trick. But now, with fear in my heart and panic in every fiber of my being, I turned to a display of my Heavenly forces such as I had never used before.

The man froze. The white collar visible under his chin, revealing him to be a man of the cloth.

"Come to help your friend, demon?" He shouted. I straightened up, wings unfurling behind me.

"Who are you calling demon?"

With a blink of my eye the bottle of holy water shattered in his hand, the drops raining everywhere, landing on my face, chest and wings, hoping I was sheltering Crowley sufficiently.

"You shall leave now!" I allowed all my vigour to sound through in my voice, leaving no room for discussion. "You shall not bother this man any longer! This is Heaven's business here."

The man ran and as he rounded the corner I sank to the ground, completely drained. From the corner of my eye I could see Crowley, hunched over, shying away from me. I sensed terror coming off of him. He was just as afraid of me as the clergy man had been.

"What are you doing here?" Came Crowley's shaking voice, but there was no real malice in his words. I couldn't answer, still high on adrenaline. He scrambled upright and rushed to my side, hauling me up by my elbows. I saw him wincing as the Heavenly glow grazed his hands.

"What are you doing here?" He repeated, apparently ignoring the pain.

"Stopping you from getting into trouble." I mimicked his words from decades earlier. Crowley just guffawed in relief as he moved me to rest against the wall behind me. My wings disappeared and the glow dimmed until it completely faded away. Crowley touched me more easily now and his long arms went around me, holding me almost gently as I rested my back against the wall, my face buried in the crook of his neck. I was completely drained physically and needed him to hold me up. But even when on the outside I had calmed down, on the inside I could still feel a storm raging.

My entire human corporation was simultanuously exhausted and completely riled up. Even when I didn't need to breath I was panting and even if my heart didn't need to beat it was thumping erratically in my chest. Adrenaline was pumping through me, making me hyper alert of everything around me: the colours of the bricks of the wall in front of me, the slight breeze blowing down the alley, the feeling of Crowley pressed against me...

I briefly closed my eyes, willing that last realisation to go away, but it only made the sensation more intense and suddenly that was all I could feel: Crowley's body. Warm, real, safe, so very attractive. Crowley's hands tightened on me.

"Angel." Quiet, sweet. He pressed further against me, chest against my chest. Had we ever been closer? I didn't think so. One of his hands trailed up my arm, the fingers burying themselves in my hair. I leaned into the touch, completely wrecked by this combination of hyper alertness and touching. Crowley shifted, breathing quietly in my ear as he moved his nose through my hair. I whimpered at the intimate feeling it brought forth.

In my over sensitive state every little detail of him came into sharp focus: the warmth of his body, his lean arms holding me, his chest hair that this close was just visible from underneath his shirt. It seemed as if my body was turned on completely now. The adrenaline demanding for a way out, morphing into a hot desperation that surged through me. My hyper alert body wanted to be touched, my sensitive lips wanted to be kissed and I wanted it rough and demanding. Crowley breathed out shakily in my ear. One of his hands moved lower over my body, sliding, caressing to come and rest at my side, pulling our hips together. I stifled a moan against his shoulder. There was no holding back my thoughts and desires now. They were soaring, quickly taking me over completely. A wild, animalistic desire vibrating in me.

I wanted to ask Crowley to take control of that desire. It needed to be resolved, so, so badly. I desperately wanted to beg him to turn me around, to fuck me right up against the wall.

"Aziraphale." He sounded just as wrecked as I felt. Images formed in my mind:

_Me bending over, my forearms resting on the wall as Crowley fucked me hard from behind. Pleasure in every fibre of my being. _

I panted quietly as I felt Crowley's lips on my ear, not kissing, just touching ever so lightly.

_Crowley's front against my back as he thrusted into me_._ A feeling of completion, of complete bliss only seconds away._

Yes! It was all I wanted, please! I mentally begged. Crowley's hands tightened on my body, pulling me flush against him.

_A hand reaching around me, touching me, pushing me over that edge._

This wasn't just me, I realised through the haze in my brain. Crowley was tempting me. It was him pushing these images into my mind.

I pulled away from him. My body was screaming in anger, still so desperate to be touched. In my foggy brain finally came some more sensible thoughts:

Was he really tempting me? At a time like this? What kind of repayment was this for saving him! It took all my willpower to push him away from me. I knew I looked desperate but I tried to push that away quickly. I avoided Crowley's gaze.

"I'm still a little high on adrenaline." I laughed breathlessly. "It was a rather intense moment just now. I'm glad I managed to be here in time."

I finished lamely. It was still taking all my concentration to not grab for him again and to reign in my thoughts that were still trying to turn to fixing this tension in a very sexual manner. Finally our eyes met. If I didn't know any better I'd say he looked pained or broken. Emotions high strung between us. I couldn't admit to being tempted and neither could he admit to trying to tempt me.

"Yes it was. But don't worry it won't happen again."

This wasn't merely the previous danger he was referring to. He was referring to the tempting, I knew. Both of us held our breaths. For an immeasurable time we stared at each other. My mind skidded back and forth. I wanted to be tempted, but could never give in. I needed him to push the boundaries, because I never could. But he would only tempt me to make me fall. He would never tempt me because he wanted it. It was only just a demonic instinct, I told myself.

"Good, make sure that it doesn't." I tried to sound as strong as I could, fully aware that my sexual desire for him was still pungent in the air.

He stepped away from me and I knew something was broken. That whatever this had been, I would have to mend it. He would not make the first move ever again. After that near sunset kiss and now this it was clear he wouldn´t try something again.

"Don't worry. I will." And without even a further thank you or goodbye he turned around and walked quickly out of the alley.

**XXX**

After that night in the 1800´s where I had caught him with another man my sexual desire for him had been awakened. A small flame, now finally kindled that over the years after that grew to a fire. Culminating in our near kiss in the sixties and after that, in me nearly succombing to pleasure in the nineties. But after that, nothing had happened. Crowley had kept true to his word and he hadn´t inicitiated anything: barely a touch over the past years. At first, I had been okay with that, silently thanking him for accepting my boundaries. But lately, especially now that I knew what it was like to touch him, perhaps only in dreams, I yearned for it.

And now I yearned for it too. Crowley´s nerves from earlier had made me uneasy and I knew that hopefully his comforting touch was only the blink of an eye away. After I had a calming cocoa I settled down in my chair, hoping he would also get some sleep today. I really wasn´t looking forward to another dream of looking and looking for him, only to wake up feeling more lost than before I went to sleep.

_I blinked._

Immediately, I noticed something was wrong. I wasn't easily sliding into a comforting dream of the park or of my bookshop, instead I was immediately sliding into a red hot dungeon. It was the nightmare, slightly altered and yet the same. The dream had been away for months, but now it was back in full force. More detailed, more vivid than ever.

The heat was suffocating, oppressive. From every side demons were crowding in on the group in the middle. Howling at Crowley and spurring on Beelzebub, who was gleefully shouting malicious things in him.

Crowley was already on his knees, bloodied, broken, his arms held behind his back by other demons.

I tried to move forward, like I had done in the other occasions, but I was once again frozen in place. Helplessly I watched as Crowley was punched in the stomach and kicked against his head.

"You've been up there way too long, Crowley. You've gotten too used to the pleasures of the flesh." Hastur shouted from the side.

With dread in my stomach I deduced what was coming next.

"Yeah, you like fraternising with the humans." Another demon chimed in.

"Humans? Oh, but what about his pet angel? He likes fraternising with him too!" Hastur added maliciously. The crowd cheered and booed.

"Aren't you happy that your pet angel is here then?" Beelzebub whispered in Crowley's ear, who whimpered in pain and defeat, trying to turn away.

"Pet angel?" A voice sounded from behind me. A voice I knew all too well. My own. I turned and there it was again. That abomination that looked exactly like me, down to every button and tartan pattern. But that wicked, cruel smile was one I knew I had never worn on my face.

"I think you have it the wrong way around. Because, you see, he is my pet demon." The demons cheered in malicious glee, parting to let him through.

Crowley had frozen up once again. Staring terrified at that vision of me.

It's not me! I wanted to shout. I would never hurt you! You know that! But I couldn´t move and couldn´t talk either. Powerless I had to watch as they were about to molest my dearest friend.

When the lookalike drew near Crowley started to struggle weakly. But he froze once again as the would be me laid a hand on his cheek, leaning in to whisper in a deadly sweet voice, one that carried all over the room:

"And you know what I do with my pet demon?"

Beelzebub snickered from behind Crowley. Licking his lips, the fake me starting to unbutton his trousers. The crowd of demons went wild. I could only stare at Crowley, at his terrified expression, his form rigid in fear.

_I don__'__t want you to see this, angel. _Came Crowley's voice, though his mouth didn't move.

_But he is going to hurt you!_ I replied desperately.

_Leave, now!_

The fake me drew near him, one of his hands trailing over Crowley's shoulder and sides. Crowley started to tremble.

_Crowley, p-._

And Crowley rose up in one swift motion, grabbing the fake me by the arm and throwing him away from him, so that he crashed against the wall. Crowley towered over him. I had never seen him like this. Tall, red eyed, positively terrifying. The other demons moved back in fear.

"My dear boy, what are you doing?" The me asked in wonder. "You really want to hurt me? I don't think you do." He staggered upwards from the floor, pulling a flaming sword out of nowhere.

"Here, I'll hurt myself, so you don't have to do it." He put the sword against his own throat, smiling all the while.

Oh, clever move indeed! Crowley would never want to see me hurt. They knew that. He might not be able to hurt me personally but he wouldn't allow harm to come my way.

Crowley reached out, yanking the sword away from the fake angel's grip. Who smiled in victory and the other demons cheered again, obviously thinking Crowley had proven himself to be an angel lover.

But something changed in Crowley's posture, real malice, real hate showed on his face. He swung the sword, slicing the fake angel's arm.

Screaming the angel grabbed at his maimed arm.

Crowley didn't falter, instead he kicked the angel hard in his chest, so that he fell backward against the floor.

"Here's what I do to my pet angel!" His voice carried dark timbers of anger and hatred. Timbers of Hell.

Crowley spit in the angel's face, an act outrageously demeaning. Without further thinking he grabbed the sword with two hands and jammed it into the angel's lower abdomen.

The angel gasped, an expression of surprise on his face. Blood come poring over his lips and his whole body jerked in pain.

"Crowley, please!" He begged through bloody lips. Crowley obliged by pulling the sword out harshly. For a moment I thought he was going to rush to the angel's aid. I was wrong. With all the force he could muster he plunged the sword into the eye of the angel, an expression of calm, deadly rage on his face. The angel jerked again before falling still. Crowley put his foot on his chest, yanking the bloody sword out of the eye socket.

With still that deadly calm expression in his face he swung the sword around the room, pointing its bloody blade at the other demons, who reared back in fear.

"So, who's next?"

I felt just as terrified as the demons there. He had killed me, without a second thought. Angry, calm, a true demon. If he would kill me, his long term friend, was there any low he wouldn't stoop to? The other demons seemed to think the same and they scattered away from him as he swung the sword around the room. The blade of the sword came to a stop, pointing at ... me.

I looked up, meeting Crowley's gaze. A familiar, yellow gaze and a realisation dawned on me.

"Crowley." I whispered. His angry look vanished, to be replaced by a worried one. The room around us dissolved slowly. I broke free from my bounds and I rushed up to him as the room lit up around us, brighter and brighter.

A relieved expression crossed his face as I drew near him, the room turning blindingly white around us. I tripped or jumped, I couldn't tell, grabbing Crowley as I tumbled and flew upwards. The room disappeared completely the moment my hands touched his upper arms.

Pure bliss. Calm. A peaceful yellow and cloud like whiteness. A cool breeze ruffled my hair, blowing long red curls against my cheeks. Crowley's hair, wonderfully soft and long. With a content feeling I pulled him closer against me, pressing our bodies together. Through the coarse material of our robes I felt our legs move against each other.

It was hard to think about what I had just seen. In this place there was no place for violence or blood.

_I'm glad you're here._ Came Crowley's voice, somehow sounding much warmer than usual.

_Of course, my dear._ Our wings brushed each other. I shivered with the intimate sensation it created.

_I tried to keep you away from seeing that. I wasn't sure you'd understand. Because that wasn't really you. That´s why I could kill it_.

The word ´kill´ sounded wrong in this peaceful space. There was no place for words with a vile meaning like that.

_Yes, I know. I know you._ We were silent for a while. I ran my hand through his luxurious red hair. There was something off about our surroundings, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

_It wasn't really me. Just like here, were not really ...us?_ I tried. Crowley laughed lightly against my chest.

_Well, you´re really you here. As for me…This is no longer me._

_What do you mean?_

_You really haven´t figured it out yet?_

My eyes followed our wings, moving together. Something was off about them. My mind tried to take hold of the truth but it seemed to dance forever out of my reach.

_Crowley…_

It sounded wrong, because here, it wasn't his name. Here his name was- Crowley raised his head from my chest. And for the first time since we had had this dream together we looked at each other. Wonderful, dark brown eyes looked back into mine. _Human eyes._ Not snake eyes. And then I knew what was wrong. Crowley wore white, just like me. His wings were white, just like mine. A shock ran through my body as I looked into eyes as gorgeous as I had ever seen.

_Angel…_

Was it his voice, or mine? I couldn't tell. I jerked violently and bolted upright in my chair in the bookshop. Gasping I stood up. _Heaven. _Crowley dreamed of _heaven_. I started to pace in my bookshop, grabbing my hair between my hands. How had I not figured out that dream earlier? It was so blatantly obvious! The calm, the quiet, the whiteness not yet formed into an office. It was clearly heaven from the early days, from when Crowley had still been part of it. Crowley…It had been on the tip of my tongue in that dream, his old name. Had we known each other back then? I didn't think so.

I moved one of my hands to my mouth biting into my fist. Crowley had looked _gorgeous, _there was no other word for it. He had had the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen.

**Chapter summary:**

**Crowley comes to warn Aziraphale, saying he has had intelligence that the demons might be after him. Aziraphale says he can handle himself, but Crowley warns that that might not be the case. He adds that he doesn´t want Aziraphale to have to do something dreadful, like he himself had to do. Aziraphale doesn´t understand what he means by that.  
When Crowley leaves Aziraphale reminisces about how he saved Crowley in the nineties from a priest. After the priest has left, Aziraphale is overcome with desire for Crowley, who seems to sense it and who pushes sexual images into Aziraphale´s mind. Aziraphale pulls away, saying it was only adrenaline and that it shouldn´t happen again. Crowley agrees and never makes a move again.  
When Aziraphale tries to find Crowley again in a dream he is immediately transported to the nightmare with the demons. He is frozen in place and has to watch helplessly as the demons harass Crowley. When once again the fake Aziraphale shows up Crowley demands that Aziraphale leaves, but he stays. When the fake Aziraphale is about to harass Crowley, Crowley surges up and attacks him. Seemingly without feeling he kills the fake angel and the rest of the demons flee in terror now that they know he is willing to kill his friend. Aziraphale is finally able to move and rushes up to him and together they fly away to the white dream. There, Crowley explains that he could kill the fake angel because it wasn´t really Aziraphale. Aziraphale asks if that wasn´t really him that that means that in this white dream they are not really them either? Crowley replies by asking if Aziraphale hasn´t figured it out yet and then he realizes that Crowley is wearing white and that his wings are white too. When Crowley raises his head and their eyes meet for the first time in that dream he sees that he has human eyes and he realizes that Crowley is dreaming of Heaven, of when he was still an angel.  
He wakes up shocked and is left to contemplate what he has just seen.  
**

**A/N: I´d love to hear if you saw this coming and what you think of this chapter!**


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